A mother is..

I don't think anyone could have prepared me for what it truly meant to be a mother.

I waited 9 months as he made my abdomen his home, the whole time dreaming about what it would be like to hold him, care for him and have him become a part of our family. I never really gave much thought to just how my life was going to transform once I became a mother. Of course I knew there would be sleepless nights, and that my life would never be the same again. I'd heard the cliches told by other moms - enjoy the time before the baby comes, because you won't be going out much once he's here, make sure to make time for your spouse, get used to not sleeping in etc.

But I don't think anyone could have explained to me the enigma that motherhood turned out to be. It's an inexplicable conflict between utter chaos and complete unconditional love. The countless moments that really are both awesome and trying. I don't now if it's just that no one talks about it, or perhaps it's just one of those things in life that you need to experience yourself to really understand.

I keep thinking about that enigma, that mystifying puzzle - on one hand you experience a connection, a bond, a longing for being with your child and holding him, keeping him safe, and loving him. On the other, that desperate need to keep a part of you alive, separate from everything that is Mom. To hold on to a connection with who you are, your interests, your hobbies, your friends, your spouse, your life before kids. But when that chance comes for a few hours away, a time to craft, lunch with a friend, a haircut! you spend the time thinking about them, missing them, wondering if they need you.

On one side you want to share your world with this child, and give them experiences they will remember, teach them what they need to know to be good people and to succeed, to help them build relationships with others. But on the other side, there is this desperate need for time alone, for communication with friends, socializing, and feeling like you have more to talk about than how much sleep you got the night before or which tooth your baby cut.

You love them, unconditionally. You wipe their noses when they are sick, change their sheets when the vomit in the night, disinfect their scrapes, chase away their monsters, and let them climb into your bed when they have nightmares. When they are teenagers, you tolerate their hormones, their demands, their mouths. They tell you they hate you, that you are the worst mother in the world, and you try not to let the pain show as your heart breaks. As adults, you long for a friendship with your grown child, but realize they need space and independence to experience life's phases just as you did. You hold on, still trying to coddle them from time to time, realizing just how quickly life has passed by.

You do all of this because of complete unconditional love, but also because of the commitment you made when you brought them into this world - you are the one who will care for them and make sure they are safe and healthy and happy, no matter what age or life stage. You give and give and give and give everything you have until you are sapped of energy, of strength, of time, of money. And you give willingly, wholeheartedly, with every ounce of your being. You don't ask for anything in return, because you've already been paid for it in advance, with the title of 'Mom'.

But along the way, that line between me and mom is blurred. Sometimes it's not clear where one stops and the other starts. Sometimes there is no distinction between the two. So separate, yet so much apart of each other; mother and child. And it's worth it, oh let me tell you is it ever worth it. The rewards are endless, they come flowing over you, wrap themselves around you, and recharge you enough to make it through another day.

Such is motherhood, repeating itself over again as child becomes mother. I wouldn't trade it for anything.