Some kind of Mom

Conversations with Joel

2012-01-22T21:29:00.004-05:00

This morning, after breakfast I gave Joel a big hug and told him I had to tell him something in his ear.

"You know I love you so much, right?"

Joel, quiet for a moment, turns my cheek to the side and whispers back,

"....but do you love me more than Mieka?"

Conversations with Mieka

2012-01-07T21:33:00.000-05:00

At bedtime..

Mieka: "Mama, I like your eyes."
Me: "I like your eyes too."
Mieka: "Mama, I really like your jammies."
Me: "I like your jammies too Mieka."
Mieka: "Mama, I really like your white teeth."
Me: "Thanks."
Mieka: "Mama, I really like your hair."
Me: "Your hair is pretty too."
Mieka: "It smells stinky."

Guess I need a shower. Kids are honest aren't they!

On the ice

2011-12-07T20:43:00.001-05:00

I still remember my first goal. A backhanded shot into the side pocket of the net, the goalie slightly too slow to react. The ring flew by her pads and I watched it cross the crease from behind the net. The buzzer sounded, and I saw my dad in the stands beaming and cheering, pumping his fist in the air. "Let's go Orleans, let's go!" he chanted.

I had forgotten an elbow pad that game. I was sure this was my lucky charm. I'd tried leaving it off for the next few games. I'd even tried that backhanded shot over and over, thinking it was my signature move. Neither of which produced a goal.

I wholeheartedly believed I was the best player on my ringette team, despite the fact that the coach's daughter was the team captain. And despite the fact that I spent more time in the penalty box than on the ice most games.

I realized a few later that I clearly was not the best player on the team. And I was ok with this realization. It didn't matter because when I stepped on the ice, I could feel the cool air through mask of my helmet as I soared across the ice. And I loved it. But my feet hurt. I complained to the coach, and he teased me relentlessly about my feet falling off.

The sound of the buzzer, the smell of the ice, the feeling of defeat as we lost another game as we so often did, they are all memories so vivid to me.

Today I skated for the first time in over 10 years. Like riding a bike, I learned that skating is a skill you don't easily forget. Cautiously I stepped on the ice, bracing myself with the boards, wobbling at first. I worried about my knee, and the embarressing scene that would ensue if it buckled again.

My feet - still hurting - glided beneath me. The smell of the ice was the same. The sound of the buzzer was the same. Like an 8 year old again with nothing to fear I skated. Lap after lap with the cool wind on my cheeks I soared. I missed it, and today I loved it too.

Coming up for air

2011-11-26T22:21:00.005-05:00

I've been waiting weeks to write this post. For a moment when things slowed down enough that I could take the time to reflect, and to soak in the past 3 months.

I knew it would be hard. I never once deluded myself into thinking it would be nothing less than arduous. I hadn’t worked full time in 5 years, this was my first full time teaching assignment, and I was facing a learning curve so steep I often felt I was scaling the side of a mountain. In the dark.

I have never felt so challenged mentally, pushed to think critically and assess everything I am doing on a daily basis. Am I doing it right? Am I meeting their needs? What if I miss something? I was overwhelmed, lost and doubting myself.

And then I’d come home and attempt to pick up all the balls that I’d dropped: take out for dinner, mountains of laundry, forgotten kindergarten show and tell, missed doctor’s appointments, angry customers, and guilt for being a working mom. Then there was Mieka and her anxieties, constantly miserable and uncomfortable, needing to be attached to me from the minute we walked in the door to the minute she went to bed. Joel wasn’t sleeping, spending half the night in my bed, tossing and turning. I’m so thankful for Mitch, picking up some of the pieces.

One particularly rough morning as we walked back from the daycare drop off, Mitch said to me ‘if you want to go back to the way things were before, I support you.’ As much as I would have liked to, quitting was never an option I considered. I kept plodding forward. And I cried, a lot. I hated being pulled in so many directions, not feeling like I was doing anything well, anything to the best of my ability. Not having a minute for me. No longer feeling connected.

But something happened in the past two weeks, and I’m not even sure what it is, perhaps it was just time. I let go. I slowed down, and found a rhythm. I spent less time scrambling and grasping at straws, and stopped bringing work home. I had fun with the kids, and I laughed.

Over the past three months, I’ve been given plenty of advice from my friends and family. It’s not easy acting on advice when you barely have time to brush your teeth. But something I came to realize was that although this has without a doubt been the most grueling and exhausting 3 months of my life, I did it!

And while I am with the kids - when I push the doubt and questioning what I am doing aside – there are moments when I forget just how hard it really is. Like when I hear a parent tell me this is the first year his son has not said he hates school, or when a colleague refers to my class as a soft place.

On Monday I will be going down to a 60% workload, so that means an extra 2 hours to pick up the balls that have rolled under the couch and dust them off. I am finally coming up for air, and it feels really, really good.

Missed moments captured

2011-11-03T18:42:00.003-05:00

Bedtime is an elaborate routine of stories, only certain stories, potty breaks, cuddles, invented songs and eating up kisses in the air.

Tonight we sang a song about bunny. He was dreaming about chasing carrots. You laughed when I said he was sleeping on your pillow. I ran my fingers through your hair as you drifted to sleep. I whispered in your ear just how much I love you, and kissed you goodnight.

I made it to the door before hearing your soft sweet voice call me "...Mama...Mama..."

I turned around, you looked at me and smiling and whispered: "Mama.... I love you so much."

I miss so many of these small moments every day. Like a comet blazing through the sky, I blink and they are gone. I don't want to miss anymore.

A Mark's Giveaway- Sharing the love

2011-11-02T06:57:00.003-05:00

Congratulations Slightly Less Cynical, you are the winner!

**** CONTEST CLOSED ****

It's no secret that I am a big fan of Mark's. I love what they have done in rebranding over the past couple of years. I also love that I can walk in at any time and find stylish clothing that is also COMFORTABLE, footwear included. Now that I'm on my feet for a large portion of the day, I so appreciate their QUAD COMFORT® designed footwear!

So I would like to share my love of Mark's with all of you! Here is your chance to win a $50 gift card to go and find out what YOU love most about Mark's.

Entering is simple. All you need to do is head over to www.marks.com and check out the newly launched e-commerce site! Leave a comment here with the one product you LOVE the most!

The new Mark's e-commerce site has been updated with a new design, enhanced development and improved checkout experience. There is also a ratings and review section to get feedback from customers and the community.

Know what else? In order to celebrate the launch of the new e-commerce site, Mark’s is offering free shipping until the end of the year – everything just in time for the holidays!!

Contest Deadline is Friday November 4th 5pm EST.

Conversations with Mieka

2011-09-07T19:11:00.002-05:00

Mieka had a really hard day at daycare today. She cried all day, and we have hit the reset button again on our progress with her poopy issues. I know it's an anxiety thing with her, whenever she is in a stressful situation, or when there is a change, she regresses to this kind of behaviour.

Tonight as I was putting her to bed...

Me: Mieka, did you have a hard day at L's house today?

Mieka: nods...

Me: Were you sad today?

Mieka: nods...

Me: Why were you screaming at nap time?

Mieka: I just wanted you Mommy. Don't leave me me. Don't go to work.

Do I need to remind you that she's TWO?!?

Did you hear that sound? My heart breaking.

A new kind of back to school

2011-09-05T19:24:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow morning I will walk into my very own classroom for the very first time. The classroom I spent 4 long days setting up and decorating; the one with my name on the front door. Twenty students will sit at their desks, look up at me, and wonder what kind of teacher they will have for the year.

Life has an interesting way of throwing things at you when you least expect them. Through a chance meeting, two weeks ago I was offered a job as a grade 2/3 teacher at my old elementary school. A job I wasn't so sure I wanted, but one that I couldn't pass up. A job that was essentially handed to me, long-range plans and all.

And as the Facebook comments roll in, wishing me good luck and reminding me to have fun, I sit here not quite sure how I feel about it.

I should be excited, nervous of course, and to be expected. But I'm not. I'm feeling more like the eye of the storm, perfectly calm and collected, waiting for the storm to hurl itself around me.

I am expecting my life for the next few months to be completely out of control as I try to pull it all together. Lesson planning, assessment, bench-marking, IEPs, emergency plans and more filling my brain from corner to corner. A household to manage, food to make, a toddler to potty train, a business to manage; I know I cannot possibly do it all.

Why did I say yes? It was an opportunity too good to pass up. A guaranteed paycheque. An opportunity to grow as a teaching professional. A school I am familiar with, and that I can walk to. But my focus is changing in a way I wasn't expecting, nor was prepared for. My priority for this year was to grow a business, one that is already proving to be successful, and I am not ready to let that go.

The next little while will require lots of figuring. How many ways can I split myself and still function as a human being?

Wish me luck.

Back to school

2011-08-29T19:33:00.002-05:00

Today was the first day of SK for Joel, or so I thought. We'd been talking about it for weeks, it was marked on the calendar with a giant star: FIRST DAY OF SK.

I got him dressed in a special Peekaboo Beans outfit, packed his new backpack with new shoes and his lunch, and we headed off for the bus stop.

He happily got on board, chatting to the bus driver about his summer.

An hour later I got the call.... Mrs. Bisson? Yesssss, I answered. Did you not get the letter stating that Senior Kindergarten entry is tomorrow, and not today? No. No I did not get that letter.

And there he was, sitting in the office wearing his brand new backpack, happily dangling his feet from the chair, waiting for me to pick him up. Next to him sat another little boy, who's mother clearly made the same mistake.

We'll try again tomorrow.

Conversations with Mieka

2011-08-29T19:30:00.004-05:00

Me: Hey Mieka, do you want to go to the park?

Mieka: You and me?

Me: Ya, me and you!

Mieka: No! You and ME!

Me: Yes! Ok let's go, you and me!

Mieka: No, YOU AND ME!!!

There's no winning this one.

Lumiere Festival

2011-08-20T21:41:00.011-05:00

It's getting easier to do fun things with the kids in the evenings. A year ago I would never have though to leave the house at 6:30pm with both kids to head downtown on an adventure. But tonight that's what we did!

Have you ever been to the Lumiere Festival? I hadn't, but it was always something I wanted to check out. Tonight the kids got dressed up; Mieka a butterfly ballerina, and Joel, Harry Potter complete with wand and wizard cape.

Last Friday, we headed down to New Edinburgh (our old hood, it was nice being back there) and walked to Stanley Park. Along the way we passed many lanters dangling in the trees waiting to be lit. There were fire jugglers, stilk walkers, and Shakespearean actors who played along when Joel cast a spell on him (too bad he used Alohamora because there wasn't a door in sight).

Next stop was some face painting, a lightening bolt scar and some stars. Then we had to get a popsicle, tried out some scooters, watched some buskers, and looked at the lanters.

We left just before dusk, and it would have been nice to see the lanters all a-glow, but I didn't want to risk a meltdown ruining our wonderful evening.

The whole evening was whimsical, magical, and we all enjoyed ourselves! The best part? The car ride home, hearing a sweet voice from the back seat say:

Mommy, I really loved being Harry Potter tonight.

Getting it done

2011-08-10T07:04:00.002-05:00

It's been a few weeks since I posted my first Getting it Done post, but we've slowly been scratching things off the list.

~~Move shelving system from basement office to garage.~~ I added this one after it was done (am I allowed to do that?) because it goes with the one above. The shelves were in the office and needed to be moved to make room for my vision.

~~Order top soil, and landscape the front garden. (Have I mentioned that I hate gardening? It's like MORE housework, only you do it outside! Who needs that?)~~ UPDATE: It's done! My poor husband worked like a dog last weekend shovelling dirt and digging out roots, and I couldn't be happier with the result. (The photo really doesn't do it justice, it was dark and raining and the angle is poor ;)

Get wills.

Order canvas print from Groupon before it expires.

Have blog printed.

Move my blog to Wordpress and figure out my header.

Use spa gift certificate Mitch bought me for Valentine's Day.

Move files from old crappy laptop to new shiny laptop.

Back up photos.

Put up wall decal in bedroom.

Buy beds for the kids.

~~Buy a filing cabinet/organizational stuff to store kids artwork and school stuff.~~ UPDATE: I got a clear hanging box that holds file folders, and moved all the artwork, report cards and papers I was saving in various piles around the house into ONE place! I'm not sure it's big enough for more than a couple of years of stuff, so I may have to rethink this system down the road.

~~Donate enormous bag of clothing sitting on bedroom floor.~~

~~Empty cedar closet.~~ (This one I added in after the fact, because it kind of goes with the previous one. Last weekend we sorted through the cedar closet in the basement that was packed to the ceiling with clothing. I now have 4 enormous bags of clothing, plus the one in my bedroom to donate. Just have to make the call to Clothesline to come pick it up!

Send Monique her wedding gift. (Eep. Worst friend EVER. Sorry Mo!)

A week's worth of growing

2011-08-09T19:32:00.003-05:00

One week, she was sleeping in her crib, never once trying to climb out or break free. She was happily sitting in her booster at the table. One week she was wearing diapers, oblivious to the potty waiting in the bathroom for her. She was happy to let me help her get dressed, put on her shoes, and insisted that I "pick you up" whenever possible.

And then she changed. Over night it seems.

We went to the cottage for a week, and she decided she no longer cared for a playpen. She was far too big for a booster seat. Forget about diapers, I want to be buck-naked! she'd demand, happy to prance around with nothing on. She picked up three new words: I do it.

We got home after that week and said goodbye to the crib. It sits disassembled behind the furnace, unsure of its fate. We said hello to a new pink froggy booster, and a package of big girl underpants. We said goodbye to the booster seat, tucked away on a shelf in the garage, close enough to use when friends visit.

And we said hello to a big little girl who is oh so very quickly dropping her last vestiges of babyhood.

Unplugging

2011-08-02T22:12:00.001-05:00

I spent the last week almost entirely unplugged. Other than the occasional text, or checking email from my phone, I was offline. I didn't touch the laptop for 8 days.

And it felt good.

I was focused on the kids, spending time outside, swimming and enjoying the sun.

I really enjoy spending time online, it's the way I spend my downtime. I connect with people and new business acquaintances on Twitter, read blogs, work on promoting my Peekaboo Beans business on Facebook, chat with friends, or write blog posts for one of the many blogs I contribute to. I love writing and I miss it. I'm a communicator at heart, I love connecting with people and staying in touch online. It makes me happy.

But sometimes trying to keep up is overwhelming. Sometimes it feels like I'm chasing a carrot, always one step behind. There's never enough time for everything I want to write, everyone I want to connect with, and all the ideas I want to initiate.

Sometimes unplugging for a little while is a good reminder life goes on when I'm not online.

A senior moment

2011-07-14T21:56:00.003-05:00

I know I'm getting older, I can tell by the all new grey hair I keep finding. I'm ok with getting older, I love my life and I'm enjoying it. But what I wasn't really expecting was to start having senior moments in my 30s. You know, those moments of absentmindedness our parents talk about...

On Tuesday, I drove Joel to camp. Then I dropped Mieka off at the sitter's for the day. I went in and chatted with my sitter for a while about the rough day and night I had had with the kids. She sympathized, gave me a hug and told me to do something nice for myself since I had the day 'off'.

I said goodbye. Grabbed my keys. And walked home.

Then as I turned the corner, I said under my breath: "Holy f*&^ who stole my car!"

Yes. Read that part over again.

I said goodbye. Grabbed my keys. And walked home. Passed right by my car in my sitter's driveway.

Two words my friends. Senior moment.

Getting it done

2011-07-06T06:19:00.002-05:00

A while ago, Lara started this weekly blog post called Getting it Done. Every Wednesday, she posted an ever-growing list of all those nagging things she needed to get done, and went through them one by one.

It's a good idea, and seemed to be working for her. I thought about joining her with my own list, but then thought nawww.... I'm usually good at getting stuff done.

Then I looked around at the unfinished hardwood flooring, unpainted baseboards, and un-hung wall decals.

Ya, you noticed didn't you. I'm signing up.

Paint baseboards.

Have hardwood flooring landing/baseboard thingy stained to match floor.

Buy blinds for the master bedroom. Well we have SOME blinds already, but they are lavender. The previous owners bought them, to match the wall colour, obviously. (How long have we been in this house now? 6 years?)

Paint bedroom.

Set up Peekaboo Beans office. (I want to turn our office into my Peekaboo Beans shop, which means I want to paint an accent wall purple, hang some photos and organize it so that people can come and shop comfortably.

Order top soil, and landscape the front garden. (Have I mentioned that I hate gardening? It's like MORE housework, only you do it outside! Who needs that?)

Get wills.

Order canvas print from Groupon before it expires.

Have blog printed.

Move my blog to Wordpress and figure out my header.

Use spa gift certificate Mitch bought me for Valentine's Day.

Move files from old crappy laptop to new shiny laptop.

Back up photos.

Put up wall decal in bedroom.

Buy beds for the kids.

Buy a filing cabinet/organizational stuff to store kids artwork and school stuff.

Donate enormous bag of clothing sitting on bedroom floor.

Send Monique her wedding gift. (Eep. Worst friend EVER. Sorry Mo!)

Hello summer..of awesome

2011-07-04T20:50:00.003-05:00

It's hot! I can wear sundresses! We get to spend time at cottages!

I love summer. I do not complain about the heat. I love the way the sun feels on my skin. It's like recharging after the cold of the winter.

I'm so ready for Summer of Awesome.

The idea isn't mine, but it's pretty darn awesome. Make a list of awesome things I want to do this summer, do them one by one, and report back on how they were! In no particular order, here is my list:

Splash pads! There is a park in Queenswood Heights that has a really fantastic splash pad. It's partially shaded by mature trees, and perfect for a hot day.

Granby Zoo. Going to the zoo zoo zoo, how about you you you? Yes, yes we are going! We went last year and it was the highlight of our summer. So. Friggin. Awesome.

Mont Tremblant. Little does he know, I am going to convince the husband that what he really needs is a weekend with the kids in Tremblant this summer. He's going to LOVE it.

Fireworks at the Lac Leamy Casino. Fireworks top my list of favourite things to see. They just make me happy! Before kids, husband and I used to go to the Fireworks show at the Casino every summer. We'd take the bus there, with our camping chairs on our backs, and scope out a good spot to watch the show. I'm thinking I'll save this one for a date night, I doubt Joel would last until 10:00pm waiting for them to start! This year the show runs from August 6-20th.

Cottaging. We rented a cottage for a week. We will also beg and plead to come up to your cottage (ahemlaraahem) Hey, did you see that my post from last summer on surviving the cottage with kids happens to be up on Kids in the Capital today?

Busker Festival. I know Joel is going to love this one. About 10 years ago, husband and I happened to be in the market on a date. We were strolling with our coffees when we saw an enormous pirate ship, completely lit up, and filled with trapeze artists swinging from mast to mast. There were drums, and chanting, and flames, and stiltwalkers and lots of buskers trailing them. It was the most amazing thing I had seen. We followed the float as it made it's way through the market streets. I never did find out where it came from, or what it was for. And I never saw it in the market again.

Upper Canada Village. We took the kids here last summer, and it really was a perfect day. The best part for me was taking pictures! With so many interesting backdrops, doorways and textures, it was so much fun to play around with my camera. We'll be going back for sure! Want to join us?

Jam making! We went strawberry picking last weekend (it was on the Summer of Awesome list but I just didn't get to put it up here before crossing it off). I've never made jam. Wish me luck!

Orleans Farmers' Market. Every Friday I tell myself I want to go, and I somehow miss it. I will make it at least once this summer!

Children's Museum. The last time we went Mieka was a tiny baby. I think she will love the museum!

Valleyview Animal Farm. I got to check out the farm for the first time in May when Joel's class had a field trip there. It was a lot of fun, and I was impressed with how many playstructures they had. You could easily spend the whole morning (or pack a lunch and spend the day) there. Anyone want to join me?

Westport. I'd love to take a day trip out to Westport. It's a cute little town and I dream of someday owning a cottage there.

So, what are you doing to make your summer awesome?

The last day of JK

2011-06-23T07:52:00.002-05:00

Ten months ago, we drove you to school for your first day of junior kindergarten. It's so hard to imagine how wracked with anxiety and emotion I was on that first day! Flash forward and we've now made it to the last day of jk. How did it go by so fast? We quickly fell into our groove, settling into our morning routine of breakfast, Caillou (coffee for me!), and waiting for the bus on the front step together.

We made it through ten months of signing agendas, making lunches, packing back packs, hanging artwork on the fridge and watching you grow taller and taller, inch by inch.

Could you slow down a little though... this growing up business is happening much too fast.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-06-22T00:01:00.001-05:00

Monday Moment: Listening

2011-06-20T06:02:00.001-05:00

Stop throwing playdough on the floor!

You don't listen.

Go wash your hands before you eat that!

You don't listen.

Do not wipe your face on my pants, I am NOT a napkin!

You don't listen.

Stop splashing water all over the bathroom floor!

You don't listen.

Please use your indoor voice, your sister is sleeping.

You don't listen.

Do. not. BITE. Me.

You don't listen.

And just when I think you both aren't listening to anything I say, I hear from the back seat of the car:

No no, you have to be careful. Don't break Daddy's sunglasses.

and then while playing on the floor,

Don't yell, use your indoor voice.

Every once in a while, I catch a whisper of something you both say to each other, that you obviously heard me say. And it makes me wonder, since you both have fully functioning ears, and are able to comprehend what I say, why do you wait until you think I'm out of ear shot to prove to me that you really are just ignoring me to my face?

This post is part of Capital Mom's series called Monday Moments. Visit her blog and check it out, or write one of your own!

My baby is 2

2011-06-09T06:00:00.000-05:00

Two.

Two years have flown by, and I have loved having you in my life. There is something amazing about being a mom to a little girl. There is something innate about being a mom to a little girl, almost like I have always been a mom to a little girl.

I loved you before you were born. I loved you when I was 5 years old and pretended that my doll was my really you. I loved you the instant the nurse handed you to me two years ago today.

And now, two years later you bounce around the living room pretending to be a bunny. You colour on walls, tables and yourself. You pick flowers, dandelions and love watching airplanes fly by. You play hide and seek and scary monster. You carry around your blankie, a pillow, a bunny and a carebear, everywhere you go. You tease the cat, you take toys from your brother.

You give kisses and hugs and your curls bounce behind you when you run.

And you are perfect.

Happy 2nd birthday Mieka.

xoxox
Mommy

Will you marry me?

2011-06-04T22:08:00.000-05:00

We went out for date night tonight, and came home to a quiet house with both kids in bed, and our sitter sitting on the couch grinning.

I have to tell you what Joel said to me tonight, she said. He asked me to marry him.

I chuckled. Admittedly, in 20 years or so they'd make a cute couple.

She went on, He sat next to me on the edge of the couch and said, 'I have something very important to ask you. When we are older, will you marry me?'

Her response? Yes Joel, of course I will marry you.
His response? Ok. Do you like my hair?

Typical boy.

I'm excited for my sitter, her very first marriage proposal. And she'd make the best daughter in law.

Moments of joy

2011-06-03T21:41:00.000-05:00

Joel, today when we were driving back from the dentist, Mieka was crying, loudly. I tried talking to her to calm her down, but she kept on wailing! I would have expected you to cover your ears, to yell and demand that I make her stop! But you didn't. Instead you leaned over, handed her her chocolate bunny, and quietly started to sing her dodo song...'fait dodo cola mon p'tit frere..' My heart melted just a little bit.

After dinner you both came up with a new game, drag the laundry hamper around the kitchen pretending it was a train, picking up towels and cloths along the way. I called you over to hand you another dish cloth to add to the hamper, you took it happily and said 'I have to get back to my assistant!' Off you ran to keep up with your little sister.

You are such a kind brother. You love your sister and I see it in so many things you do every day. You share your snacks, and your toys. You bring her her blankie or pillow when she is upset. You ask for her when she's not around.

I love the way you are with her, and I hope it never changes.

No subway for you.

2011-05-28T09:51:00.000-05:00

Joel came home from school the other day and burst into tears. I could not figure out what was wrong with him! He threw himself on the couch and sulked for a while, unhappy with anything I offered to help cheer him up. Finally he said, everyone got a special lunch today but me! between sobs.

Oh crap.

The Subway order forms.

I forgot.

Crap.

Today was Subway day. I was only teaching half the day so I told him I would bring him a special lunch. After work I picked up a sub, and a cookie with smarties in it. The line was long, and it took a long time. By the time I got to his school it was 12:15 and he was waiting in the office. He saw me, ran toward me, grabbed the sub and turned to leave.

What, no thank you Mommy?

He thanked me and ran off.

Later that night he was upset. What now?!? Apparently I took too long to bring the sub so he missed part of gym class to stay behind and eat it.

Troubled boy

2011-05-27T21:31:00.003-05:00

I watched you, standing at the bottom of the highway off ramp. Eighteen or twenty at most, skin darkened from spending days in the sun. A heavy backpack weighed down your shoulders, your back was toward me. I wondered what was inside it. You waited until the traffic slowed before unfolding your sign, well worn and tattered; anything helps written in black marker. The rain soaked your clothing, your hair was pressed across your forehead. Without the sign you could have passed for any teenage boy in any highschool, emotionally troubled in some way or another.

My eyes were focused on the rythmic swaying of my wipers, trying not to make eye contact with you. I sat in the warmth of my car, dry, and wondered who had done you wrong.

Where was your mother? Did she hurt you? Did you hurt her? Was she thinking about where you were and why you weren't home? Did you have a home to go to?

Troubled boy, panhandling by the highway off ramp, how did you end up here?

A pain in my neck

2011-05-25T21:51:00.002-05:00

Since last Saturday I have had a kink in my neck. This sharp pain whenever I turn my head to the left, that shoots all the way down my arm. It doesn't stop there, it goes up my neck and down into my shoulder blade.

I feel a bit like the tin man, needing to turn my entire upper body to talk to someone to my left.

I think I need a really, really good massage. Pedicure might help too.

A perfect weekend

2011-05-24T21:54:00.007-05:00

This past weekend we took a trip to Toronto to visit our good friends and their 2 year old twins. In the car on the way home, Mitch turned to me and said this was honestly the first road trip we have taken with the kids that he really enjoyed.

It was as close to a perfect weekend as we could ask. The trip down was great - I put a 'box of fun' between them. Loads of toys, books, stickers and dvds to keep them busy. No one cried, or complained or fussed the entire drive down. The kids slept well, played well and we all had a great time.

We caught up with our friends, sat on their new deck eating dinner after the kids were asleep, and drank wine while watching fireworks. I love seeing how our kids have grown each year, and watching them play together.

I had many, many moments of ... pure perfection. Here are some of them:

Monday Moment: Choices

2011-05-17T07:37:00.004-05:00

I must have been 5 or 6 years old, on a family vacation to Florida. We went to Toysurus. I stood next to my mom in front of a stack of Cabbage Patch Dolls so high it must have reached the ceiling (or so it seemed to me). My mom looked down at me and said 'choose which one you would like.' My eyes, as round as quarters, scanning the dolls trying to decide if I wanted the brownhaired one with the pink dress or the bonde braided one with the blue dress. I pointed to the blonde one, and my mom pulled down the box. I clutched it tightly, a smile beaming across my face as we walked toward the checkout.

He was 4 years old, one Spring afternoon. We went to Toysurus. He stood next to me in front of the row of shiny new bikes. I looked down at him and said 'choose which one you would like.' His eyes were as round as quarters, scanning the bikes trying to decide which one he liked best. He pointed to the red one with flames on the side and a big star on the seat. I pulled it off the rack, and he hopped on. He drove it up and down the row, a smile beaming across his face. We took the ticket out of the front pocket, and walked hand in hand to the checkout.

This post is part of Capital Mom's series called Monday Moments. Visit her blog and check it out, or write one of your own!

Monday Moments: Repetition

2011-05-09T06:27:00.001-05:00

Here are some scenarios that take place on a daily basis at my house. (Feel free to replace juice or cookie with linty blanket/bandaid/carebear/bunny/toast/yogurt etc.)

JUICE!
Excuse me?
I want some juice!
Pardon me?
What's taking so long for my juice!?
Excuse me?
Get me some. juice. right. away.
Did you hear something, because I didn't.
Can I please have some juice?
That's better.
Thank you Mommy.

I want a cookie!
I'm sorry?
Cookie! Cookie! Cookie!
Pardon me?
Cookie! Now!
Is that how you say it?
Cookie! PLEASE! MOMMY!
Nice try.

Again. And again. And again. I refuse to respond to these demands; but I think the repetition is working. Especially when I hear them saying 'oh I'm sorry' to each other or 'thank you' to their stuffed animals.

This post is part of Capital Mom’s series called Monday Moments. Visit her blog and check it out, and write one of your own!

Mieka 23 months

2011-05-08T19:51:00.003-05:00

I haven't felt much like blogging the past few months. It never seems like anything going on in my life lately is worth writing about. But in one month Mieka will be turning two, and I feel the need to write about what's been going on.

For the past 9-10 months she has been suffering from constipation. Horribly awful, scream-inducing, blood-vessel-bursting, inability-to-go freak-out-episodes of constipation. I am very near the breaking point. We've been to the doctor many, many times and even referred to see a Paediatrician, both suggested it was NOT dietary and that I should just be giving her more prunes. We are beyond prunes. We've tried EVERYTHING to help this poor girl, but nothing seems to work.

Then a few weeks ago I was at a birthday party with Katie Valentine and her neighbour suggested a Naturopathic doctor. I thought I might as well try it, so I made an appointment. And it was good. I was impressed with how well she listened and with the solutions she offered. She talked about changing Mieka's behaviour, and suggested it could have started as separation anxiety when I went back to work in the Fall. After our first visit, I walked away feeling like finally someone was listening to me and not just suggesting more fiber, for the first time in almost a year.

Last week we had a Food Intolerance Test done, and the results were... well they were kind of scary, and overwhelming. We're going to be making a lot of changes at our house; I know it won't happen over night, but I think we'll all benefit from them. So here's the list, of her intolerances...

-Dairy. All dairy, including butter, yogurt, cheese, milk, cream, goat's milk.
-Wheat. (No surprise here, I figured with my history of gluten sensitivities she likely had it too).
-Tomatoes. Kind of odd. It's also interesting that I really don't like tomatoes.
-Green peppers. Also odd.
-Chocolate. Now this one is just cruel.
-Sugar. Yes, that's right. My daughter has a food intolerance to SUGAR.

No cookies, cake, candy, ice cream, popsicles, bread, yogurt, ketchup. The list goes on.

After a good long cry about how the hell I am going to do this, we started the food elimination on Friday. It hasn't been easy, and I gave in a few times (how can you say no to a 2 year old asking for a piece of her grandfather's chocolate birthday cake?) But I really hope this is going to work.

It's too soon to tell if things are working, but today was a good day. It was the first day in a long time that she didn't spend the ENTIRE day trying to go. It was the first day in a long time that I enjoyed spending time with her playing, instead of trying to comfort her or brush away tears (hers and mine) as she suffered on the floor.

I'm crossing everything I can, and praying that this works for her.

Election questions

2011-05-03T20:35:00.003-05:00

I don't have any memories of joining my parents to vote for an election. I do remember the first time I did vote though. It was a provincial election, and I remember it feeling like just another one of those things you can do once you turn 18. It took me a while to figure out democracy and how it works.

Last night we took the kids with us to vote. I wasn't really looking at it like a learning opportunity, but it was more out of convenience. Easier to pick up Mitch at the bus stop and drive over, than to pack up the kids after dinner.

Joel, in his inquisitive way, wanted to know what it was all about. Why are you voting? Who's going to win? Which team is going to win? Can I vote for you?

Explaining democracy to a 4 year old, not so easy. Basically I said that it was a bit like the star team and the sun team in his kindergarten class. Whoever got the most points won. Works right?

He sat with me as I filled out the X, and then dropped the ballot into the box. As soon as we left he asked me, So who won?

This afternoon we were playing in the basement. He brought me a slip of paper and asked me to sign my name on it. He then told me it was my ballot and I needed to vote. Then he put the ballot into a box.

My four year old not only gets democracy, he likes it! Wonder how long it will be until he's explaining politics to ME?

Easter 2011

2011-04-25T11:56:00.006-05:00

Marks Re-Style contest and Gift Card giveaway

2011-04-20T08:10:00.004-05:00

And the winner is... Krista!

***Contest Closed***

Shopping used to be something I really, really enjoyed doing - BK. Before kids. Remember that time? When you could spend an afternoon by yourself or with a girlfriend leisurely strolling the mall, searching for the perfect outfit. I don't have that luxury anymore. Usually when I shop I have a child with me, in the fitting room no less!

I'm sure you can imagine how excited I was last fall to be chosen for the Mark's Over event. An afternoon by myself, with a personal style consultant, having my hair and make up done, and a photoshoot? What a treat!

I walked away with a great dress, sweater, purse and accessories, and learned something new about Mark's. It's a place I can go to find casual, and dressy clothing, that are comfortable, affordable and fit me well!

Mark's has been good to me. If the Mark's Over event wasn't enough, High Road Communications (the PR company facilitating all these amazing promotions) contacted me about trying out some pieces from their new Spring 2011 collection. I loved Look 9, and chose a pair of Denver Hayes Slim Leg jean leggings. I'm wearing them today! They are extremely comfortable, with just the right amount of stretch, and oh so flattering! I never thought I could pull off the 'skinny jean' but Mark's does it right. The waist is high enough to give me enough coverage, and there are cute little zippers at the ankle. They look great with a pair of silver flats that I bought last year from Marks (which are my 'teacher shoes', and are extremely comfortable for standing in all day). I wear these jeans teaching, out with friends or at home. Which is exactly the kind of clothing I need- something versatile!

And here Mark's is at it again - more giveaways! Mark's is promoting a new contest and are offering my readers a chance to win a $50 gift card! The winner of the Re-Style contest will win an amazing make-over prize package (prize packages are over $5000!!) I really hope you'll enter!

Leave a comment here with your name and email address for your chance to win the $50 gift card. All entries must be received by midnight on April 25th.

Next time you need an outfit for a party, a playdate or a job interview - think of Mark's! They really have something for everyone, and you'll be impressed by the quality and how comfortable the clothing is.

Bye bye bubba

2011-04-19T21:07:00.002-05:00

Bubba, also known as milk, or MY bottle, has been a part of Mieka's bedtime routine since she weaned. I don't really know how we ended up calling her bottle a bubba because I really don't like that word. It always makes me think of an oversized bouncer at a country bar, or something. It certainly wasn't ME who introduced the word into her vocabulary.

Every night, while Mitch gives Mieka her bath, or gets her changed on our bed, I go downstairs and make the bottle. I'd set it down on her night table, warm and ready for her to drink while reading stories.

Sometimes she'd get sneaky and grab it before her bath, while our backs were turned. We'd find her sitting on the floor in her room happily nursing it. If it wasn't there on time, she would DEMAND it, yelling BUBBA BUBBA and throwing herself on the ground. It was really time to say good bye. At 22 months, she's getting enough dairy from yogurt and some cheeses and I'm tired of the bubba tantrums!

On Saturday night, we went out, and I forgot to tell our sitter that all the bottles were in the dishwasher. She completely forgot to give Mieka one at bedtime, and said she never complained.

I had to seize this opportunity!

On Sunday night, I just didn't make one. I brought her into her room after bath, and she immediately noticed it wasn't waiting for her on the night table like it is every night. "Where's BUBBA!" she shouted. I ignored it, and distracted her with books, and a visit from the cat. She cried when I put her down in her crib, realizing that the bubba was not happening.

It has now been 5 days, and still no bubba. She keeps asking for it at bedtime, and I keep ignoring it.

I'm counting on the fact that it only takes 21 days to break a habit, right?

Monday Moment: Hiding

2011-04-11T12:51:00.002-05:00

There is a corner in the living room, behind the couch and under the coffee table that makes the best hiding spot. When you go inside you become invisible to the outside world. No one can see you, no one knows you are there, and you can't hear your name being called. It's perfect for running away from Mommy when you know you've done something bad. It's perfect for curling up with a blanket and a pillow when you need some quiet time. It's perfect for dozing in, when you're feeling sick. It's perfect for hiding toys you don't want your sister to play with. It's perfect for when it's your turn to hide while playing hide-and-seek. It's perfect for sneaking treats you were told you couldn't have before dinner.

I wish I had a hiding place just as perfect.

It would hide in it when I don't feel like making dinner. I would hide in it when I want to read a book alone. I would hide in it when I didn't feel like going to work, or dealing with the world. It would be perfect for sneaking those treats I told the kids they couldn't have before dinner.

This post is a part of Capital Mom’s Monday Moments.

Every Friday I post a theme/topic related to a moment I have experienced. If you like you can join me by writing about your own moment the following Monday. If you decide to join in please stop by on Monday and leave a link to your Monday Moment.

Monday Moment: Kissing

2011-04-04T06:00:00.000-05:00

I sit on the bed folding laundry watching Mitch as he hoists Mieka effortlessly up above his head.

He twirls her around slowly, as if in slow motion... while singing Barry White.

My darling, I can't get enough of your love babe
Girl, I don't know, I don't know why
Can't get enough of your love babe

She giggles, her smile big enough to light up a room. Totally in love with her daddy. He lowers her onto his shoulder, kisses are burrowed into her neck.

Daddy that tickles! She says as he snuggles her close.

From this...

2011-04-02T23:04:00.001-05:00

to this....

in the blink of an eye.

Monday Moment: Reading

2011-03-28T18:16:00.003-05:00

I brought up a new book, one that I had been saving on a shelf for when I had my own classroom, no point letting it go to waste on a shelf.

That night we read it together, and at the end Joel asked if we could read it again. After the second time, we flipped back to a section in the middle to look at the pictures.

I want to keep it next to my pillow, he said as I was tucking him in.

A few minutes later, I hear his feet thudding down the hallway, looking for me. Can you read this page again Mom, he asks as I'm putting away the laundry. I send him back to his room.

A while passed, I thought he was finally asleep, when I heard rustling and banging around coming from his room. I slowly walked down the hall, and peered around his door. There he was, propped up against pillows, the open book resting on his bent knees, devouring it.

Brie at Capital Mom has started Monday Moments – join us on Mondays and share moments in parenting.

Conversations with Joel

2011-03-08T19:55:00.002-05:00

While reading Scaredy Squirrel:

Joel: Mommy what's a killer bee?
Me: It's just a type of bee that stings.
Joel: What's 'kills' mean?
Me: It means that you aren't alive anymore.
Joel: Like when first you are born, then you are a baby, then you are a big kid, then you are a grown up, then you are a grandpa and then you die?
Me: Ya, like that.
Joel: Why do people die?
Me: No one lives forever, that's just the way life works.

These are not conversations I enjoy having, but he seemed satisfied with the answer.

The couch pillows

2011-03-05T20:58:00.004-05:00

Sometimes I think Joel creates fake attachments to things to make our lives more interesting. And some of the things he comes up with just throws me for a loop.

Like last night, when he decided that he absolutely without question needed a pillow from the living room couch to sleep with. Um, why? Who knows! But I certainly didn't want his drool all over it - not to mention that *I* was going to use it to prop up my feet while watching TV - so I said no. I wasn't expecting the mother of all meltdowns over a throw pillow! He cried, pleaded, swung his fists, and told me he hated me before I'd had enough of that. Have you tried giving a time out half an hour past bedtime? Ya, don't do it. It doesn't work.

After he calmed down and was asleep, I started questioning my reaction. Was it really that big of a deal if he had the living room couch pillow in his bed? Should I have let this one slide? And the answer was no! The one thing no one warned me about having children was that slowly every one of my belongings would become appropriated by them!

Give me back MY hairbrush! Hello? Did you not just take that from my dresser?
You can borrow MY umbrella today. Dude. It's pink. And I've had it since before you were born!
I think I want to use MY OTHER toothbrush tonight. Woah there.
I want to listen to songs on MY iPod! Your iPod eh? You're 4. How many 4 year olds have their own iPods? Wait, maybe I should take that one back.

I need MY couch pillow for my bed! No. This is where I draw the line.

You cannot have MY couch pillows. Besides, I paid for them, and when you are grown up and have a job you can buy your OWN couch pillows.

Greatness can wait

2011-02-24T20:43:00.003-05:00

My weeks latley have been filled with days spent teaching. I was recently asked if I could take over a grade 1 class two days a week for the next couple of months. This is the first regular teaching gig I've had, and I was so flattered when the teacher asked me. But with that offer also came the responsibility of planning lessons, which I haven't done since teacher's college 4 years ago.

So, like I did in University, I procrastinated until the night before to start my lesson plans. I scoured through my old notes and folders for ideas. I spent time looking for neat ideas on the web. I came up with enough material to last for the day, and the students were busy and had fun working on what I had prepared.

The frustrating part is that I would like to be great. I would like to come up with lessons and projects that have meaning, are captivating, can be evaluated, and fulfill the curriculum expectations. I don't think this is unreasonable, or asking to much. Because honestly, this is what I was trained to do.

But I'm not there yet. I don't have enough resources, or experience, or frankly enough energy to be great. Having a glimpse into what my life would be like if I were a classroom teacher, I can see just how overwhelming and exhausting my days and nights would be. There would be no time for blogging, or twitter, or working out.

Teaching is tough, I knew that when I got into it. But teaching when you have two small children who need clean clothes to wear, warm food to eat, healthy lunches to bring to school, and extracurricular activities to keep them busy is arduous.

Right now I'm happy being an occasional teacher. I'm happy to spend my days teaching in other teacher's classrooms. I'm happy to have my evenings free to spend with my children, or to go to the gym or to go out with a friend. I'm happy to have one or two days a week free to grocery shop, catch up on laundry, or spend the day with Mieka. This balance works for me.

I do believe that I am a great occasional teacher. And I do believe that I have the potential to become a great teacher.

But just not yet.

My Hockey Diva

2011-02-23T11:11:00.004-05:00

Photos courtesy of lovely KGray-Donald.

Twitt.E.R

2011-02-20T21:19:00.013-05:00

Social media has been a large part of my life for well over a year now. It's no secret that I spend a fair amount of my free time Tweeting, Facebooking and blogging. I have met dozens of people through tweetups and meetups- many of which have become great friends.

Not many people truly understand how social media is transforming the way we communicate. Like the phone, and the Internet, social media is revolutionary. Where else can you have access to thousands of like-minded people to share news, find out about events, or get medical advice.

Yes. Medical advice. I said it.

Did you happen to see Episode 13 of this season of Grey's Anatomy (spoiler alert!)? Lexie gets caught tweeting during a surgery, much to The Chief's disapproval. He later finds Bailey's tweets online, and goes into the OR to confront her, only to find that tweets from other physicians following the surgery on Twitter are actually helpful in saving the patient.

I believe this can actually happen. I believe it is already happening.

Today I hurt my knee. Badly. So what would any social media connaisseur like myself do? Tweet about it - of course. I asked the Twitterverse for a Physiotherapist...

Any physiotherapists on twitter?less than a minute ago via webVicky
Somekindofmom

and within minutes I had several...

PT Tweeps! Can we help @somekindofmom out with finding a #physio in the #otttawa area? #physiotherapyless than a minute ago via TweetDeckKaren Neill
kaizenphysio

who all helped me figure out that...

@Somekindofmom I see that you are in need of a Physiotherapist... I may be of assistance to you.less than a minute ago via webJason Bellefleur
JasonBPT

@nursemomTracy @JenGPhotog Thanks for heads up ladies! @Somekindofmom - How can I help you?less than a minute ago via TweetDeckKaren Neill
kaizenphysio

what happened to my knee sounded like Patellar subluxation. So I Googled that, and it sounded exactly like what happened, but it didn't stop there. Through a couple of direct messages (DMs), I got advice on what to do for the pain (keep it elevated, and lots of ice), what kind of brace would help, and that spending my night in ER wasn't worth it. My fear of needing surgery was also eased, as I was told that usually this type of injury can be healed with some Physio!

So instead of spending the night at the ER, I borrowed a brace, got to spend the evening on the couch

enjoying a fabulous treat

chatting and being entertained by my tweoples, all while finding myself a local physiotherapist!

Thank you Twitter!

It is what it is

2011-02-13T07:52:00.008-05:00

Some lessons in life that are harder to learn than others. Taking a step back and seeing the truth about yourself and your choices is not an easy thing to do. It's hard to admit that there are things you are responsible for that continue to affect your relationships. It's hard to admit that we create some circumstances in our lives that we may not like. It's hard to let go of control and just accept that...

it is what it is.

You can't force a friendship, sometimes people just don't connect. Perhaps life is too busy at the time to let someone new in who will take up space needed for someone else. Sometimes it is personal. But sometimes there is no explanation available, it just is what it is.

You can't change others. Like the brother who is notoriously late and doesn't understand how hard it is to deal with when you live by a precise schedule of two small children. He won't change for me, it is what it is.

Family means different things to different people. Like the only aunt, who lives out of town and hasn't been to visit in seven years and has never met my children, yet flies halfway across the world at least once a year to visit other relatives. Of course it hurts, and I wish things were different, but it is what it is.

Not all friendships are easy. Some friendships are difficult and demanding and hard to maintain. Some leave you questioning what you really get out of them. But life is too short for complicated relationships. Instead of analyzing, and treading carefully, I accept that it is what it is.

It's not always about you - the tweet, the Facebook status, the blog comment. People are preoccupied with their own stuff, and aren't thinking about your stuff. It's just a tweet, and just a comment. There is no hidden meaning behind it, it is what it is.

I'm tired of guessing what others are thinking, of analyzing, or trying to figure out if there is a place for me in your life. I don't want to chase anymore, I'm tired of running, I'm tired of trying.

I am finally waving my white flag and accepting that it just is what it is.

Bath time

2011-02-12T06:00:00.000-05:00

Secrets

2011-02-11T06:00:00.000-05:00

I came back into the classroom after recess to find a 6 year old boy absolutely beside himself in hysterical tears. I quickly assessed the situation, he was not hurt, but he was extremely upset. The other children gathered around him trying to find out what was wrong. One little boy put his arm around him, supporting his friend.

I sent the others to line up at the door, patiently waiting to go to the gym for phys ed. I pulled the boy aside and asked him what was wrong:

"I told Ethan my secret and he told EVERYBODY!" he managed to get out between sobs. I tried to console him and tell him that the kids would forget about it. I asked him what the secret was that could possibly have made him so upset.

"I told him that I like Justin Bieber and he promised not to tell!"

Ah. So liking Justin Bieber in the 1st grade apparently is not so cool. Who would have known.

A wise teacher told me the other day: There's this thing about secrets - once you tell them, they aren't secrets anymore.

(The name of the student has been changed).

Mommy for bedtime.

2011-02-10T06:00:00.000-05:00

I'm not exactly sure when bedtime became Daddy's. We used to take turns, but in the last few months I've been doing it less and less.

Occasionally Joel insists that he wants me for bedtime. The other night after bath, he requested that I read him stories. I climbed in bed next to him, getting ready to snuggle, when he said Mommy get out! I was stunned.

He wasn't trying to be rude, but apparently I was taking up too much space in the bed. He got his red blanket, folded it and made a line down the middle of the mattress. See this side, it's for you, but you can't cross over to my side, he explained. Happy with the division he had created, he was now ready for a couple of stories.

What would you like to read tonight, I asked him. You choose whatever you want Mommy, was his answer. I grabbed a couple of books we hadn't read in a long time, and climbed back onto my side of the bed. No! Not those ones, he demanded. So it wasn't really my choice after all.

Once the stories were finished, it was time for 20 minutes, light off, door closed. Like a mantra, he repeats these words every night. I turned off his night light, and rested my head on his pillow, pretending to sleep. I could hear him counting, under his breath, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6... He finally reached 20, and said it was time for me to leave. I tucked the covers a little higher around him, and placed his teddy bear on the pillow next to him.

I stood in the doorway and blew him a kiss. He blew one right back, the way he always does when he requests Mommy for bedtime.

Mieka 20 months old

2011-02-09T11:16:00.005-05:00

Twenty months ago today, you were born. We are edging closer and closer to the two year mark and I wonder where the days have gone.

There are so many things I want to capture, and save them in a jar, if I could, so I'll remember them always.

Like the way your hair curls up at the back of your neck. Or the way you love to wear your winter hat inside the house, leaving it on all afternoon. Or how you love to put on Joel's hockey helmet. I want to remember the way it sounds when you say 'Look, ook! Mommy, a bus!' as we're driving in the car, or how when you say 'Joel' it sounds more like 'Doel'.

I want to remember how well you speak for a 20 month old - in sentences of 4 or 5 words. You constantly impress me with your expanding vocabulary, and your manners, saying 'please Mommy and thank you Daddy' without being prompted.

I love the way you mispronounce certain words, and although I should teach you the proper way, it's unbearably cute to hear you say strawbally instead of strawberry. I love the way you call the cat by making kissy sounds and rubbing your fingers together, mimicking what I do. I love the way you are attached to not one, but three blankets and a pillow and love to carry them around with you.

I want to remember how well you can sit and play, with the blocks building towers, or with your stuffed animals. Or how much you love looking at the moon; every time we get out of the car you point up to the sky, and squeal with excitement when you see it.

I want to remember just how fiercely independent you are, telling me 'No! I do it!' when I try to feed you, or put on your socks, or brush your hair. You tell me 'walking walking!' when you don't want to be carried, and are proud to show me everything you can do on your own.

If I could Mieka, I would save all these memories for you to see just how amazing you were at 20 months old. I am truly enjoying and love this stage of your life.

When you are grown up and ask me what you were like as a toddler, I'll tell you, you were a shining star. You were so bright, and so advanced, you made me proud. You could count to 20, and sing the ABCs. You loved singing songs, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star the best (you knew all the words) and could do the actions to Head and Shoulders. You loved to laugh and giggled when held upside down, shouting 'more more!' You would run around the living room, chasing the cat or following Joel.

You loved being with Mommy, would cry when I would leave the room or go to the bathroom. But you never had to worry because I wasn't far, and I loved being with you just as much. You loved playing 'baby baby' with me, where I'd squeeze you close, rock you in my arms and smother your face and neck in kisses. You would throw your head back and laugh, trying to push away, but still wanting more. I loved being your Mommy when you were 20 months old, and I always will.

These are all the moments I want to remember of you at this stage. I wish you could stay 20 months just a little while longer so I would have time to remember everything and more.

Playdough

2011-02-08T06:00:00.000-05:00

You sat for a long time at the kitchen table, shredding playdough into small pieces.
Squeezing it between your fingers.
Rolling it between your hands.
It was the first time you played with it.
Like any curious toddler, you had to taste some, leaving the imprint of your teeth behind as evidence.
You didn't mind that it was brown, and no longer vibrant red, yellow and blue.
Such is the life of the 2nd born, your older brother had the joy of mixing the colours together before you got your hands on it.
'Look Mommy!' you said as you proudly held up your creation for me to see.

Faces

2011-02-07T06:00:00.000-05:00

These are the beautiful faces I get to see every day.

They are also the faces I get to practice using my 50mm lens on!

A year ago

2011-02-06T21:35:00.005-05:00

My birthday has come and gone, and I'm another year older. Looking back on the past year, I've changed so much. I've lost 32lbs and gone down 4 pant sizes. I've been exercising regularly, making healthier choices, and trying to set a good example for the kids.

I feel good about myself. I like the way I look. And I think it shows.

If you haven't stopped by the Losing it in Ottawa blog, come and take a look. There are 8 new bloggers joining the group. I'm feeling excited and motivated to keep working hard on my weight loss. It's a lot of work, but let me tell you the pay off is worth it!

Dear 16 year old self

2011-01-23T17:00:00.000-05:00

If I could go back 17 years, this is what I would tell you:

You are loved. Focus your time and energy on the friends that appreciate you.

You are so much more than those so called friends that take advantage of your generosity and naivety. You don't need them. Stick up for yourself, don't be walked on.

You are beautiful. Stop looking at the popular girls wishing you were one of them.

It's ok to be alone. It's ok to stay in on a Saturday night.

Everyone in high school has their own issues, and most of them are socially awkward, too.

Write. Write often. Write everything that comes to mind. You have a gift, nurture it.

Just wait a few years. It gets better. It gets so much better.

****

This post was inspired by this video called Dear Daughter, posted on Cocktail Diva's blog. My daughter is only 19 months old, but something in this video just spoke to me.

Snow hill

2011-01-23T06:00:00.005-05:00

I put on my sorel boots and bright orange sash before heading outside to recess duty. My hat was tugged over my ears, and the furry hood of my coat shielded me from the wind. It was cold, so I paced the yard quickly trying to stay warm. I stopped at the foot of the snow hill, watching them. Some raced to the top of the hill and slid back down. Others were busy building forts and digging holes with their boots. But there were three that I watched attentively, with purpose, because any one of them could have been me.

"This one is MY room" she said, placing snow boulders carefully on the crest of the hill. "I'm not finished yet, I need some more!" said the other, digging into the snow as if searching for treasure. "We need to make the kitchen bigger, there isn't enough room here!" said the third, working diligently at the project in front of her. The hill they stood on was not a hill. It was a home, and for 20 short minutes, they were its dwellers.

I stood for a few moments watching them and wondered if this was simply a right of passage for children playing on the school yard during a Canadian winter. There were no toys, there were no screens, there was only a small snow hill, and mountains of imagination.

And it was refreshing.

iPhone talent

2011-01-22T22:11:00.001-05:00

This is what happens when your 4 year old gets a hold of your iPhone while you are busy in the other room:

From mediocrity to...

2011-01-19T21:10:00.006-05:00

There's a scene in Disney's Ratatouille where Anton Ego, a harsh food critic, is served a plate of ratatouille. After taking a bite, he is brought back to his childhood as he remembers his mother making it for him.

This scene makes me cry every time we watch the movie.

It makes me remember my grandmother making me mashed potatoes, piling it into a mountain and then hiding a carrot inside for me to find. It makes me remember all the warm, hearty soups and stews my mother made (and still makes) when I was a child.

I want that same experience for my children, and I'm trying to make it happen. The other day I had chocolate chip cookies in the oven and spaghetti sauce on the stove when Joel walked in from school. He said 'What's that yummy smell Mommy!' and my heart just about melted. But tonight, I was tired from a long day of teaching, was feeling rushed and didn't have a plan for dinner, so in went a frozen pizza. Everyone ate it happily. I had a salad with cooked chicken on top.

Once in a while I feel like I'm not doing such a great job feeding my family. My mother is an exceptional cook, she can turn ground beef into fillet mignon. Seriously, she's magic. I can't even compare my cooking skills to hers. That being said, she does have 30+ years more experience in a kitchen than I do, and I recognize that. I still have time to learn and to improve. But sometimes, I botch basic things like baked chicken breasts, or steamed vegetables! Don't even get me started about my rice and banana bread failures. Nine times out of ten the food I make gets a 'I don't like it!' reaction and ends up in the green bin. But not frozen pizza. Happy smiling faces all around when it comes out of the oven!

The other night my mother in law and I had an interesting discussion about home cooking. Her theory was that people today are too lazy to cook so that's why they resort to buying pre-made meals and fast food. I think that's a little harsh. I do buy some pre-made meals (although try to make an effort to make my own when I can), and we do order in from time to time. But I do not consider myself to be a lazy person. Tired? Yes. Busy? Oh yes. Stressed? Uh huh. Would rather be doing something else? Sometimes! Who doesn't!

Here I am, wanting greatness in the kitchen, yet being too ~~lazy~~ tired, busy and stressed to get there. So until I can afford to hire a personal chef, I'll just accept my mediocrity and try not to overcook the chicken or burn the rice.

If anything, my kids will remember THOSE meals.

Magic

2011-01-13T22:44:00.003-05:00

I want my children to have a magical childhood. I want them to look back on their childhood and remember what a happy time it was. My children have everything they need - two loving parents, a warm home, good healthy food, books galore, new clothing, excellent schools, lots of culture capital, and more toys than they know what to do with.

But I want more for them.

I want magic. I want their childhood to sparkle.

I want to turn my living room into a theater and perform shows with them on the stage.
I want to wake them in the middle of the night to go watch a comet fly by.
I want to turn my backyard into a magical forest of Christmas trees, or their bedrooms into outer space with glow in the dark stars.
I want to plant a garden with them.
I want to create a scavenger hunt for them with clues hidden all over the house.
I want to dance with them in the living room, swinging them around and around until we collapse.
I want to make robots out of boxes.
I want to frame their artwork and hang it around the house.
I want to sneak into their rooms while they sleep and fill it to the ceiling with balloons on their birthday.
I want to let them make messes.
I want them to feel special. I want them to imagine. I want them to create, with their hands, with their minds.
I want them to believe they can do or be anything they want.

As they get older, I will be able to do more and more of these things with them. The list keeps growing as I add to it.

We have picnics on the floor.
We write letters to the grandparents and mail them.
We eat with chopsticks.
We put notes in lunches.
We have breakfast for dinner.
Sometimes we eat dessert first.
We take pictures! Lots and lots of pictures!
We celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas.
We paint on snow.
We have sleepovers.
We read books in tents made from blankets.
We say I love you. Every single day.

What do you do to create magic for your children?

The aha! moment

2011-01-11T22:49:00.002-05:00

They want to know what we are doing in gym today, 'are we playing dodgeball?' they ask with such eagerness. I loathe dodgeball. I refuse to play it no matter how much pleading and begging they throw at me. 'No, I have something even better planned,' I tell them, excited to see what they'll think of my game.

As we walk briskly toward the gymnasium, I am again bombarded with requests for dodgeball, like little puppies jumping at my legs, excited to be walked after spending too much time inside. I shake my head no, 'wait', I tell them.

They run laps around the gym to warm up while I get the equipment. Two large blue gymnastics mats for each team. The velcro sticks to my sweater as I haul them over to one side of the gym. They slap to the ground, the loud boom drawing attention from the students as they run. Inquisitive looks come my way.

They sit in the center of the gym, and I begin. 'You've been marooned on a desert island, and you are thirsty and hungry. It's been three days since you last ate. It's a hot day, with no sign of rain. These gym mats are your boats. Look over there - across the gym - do you see the lemonade stand? There is thirst quenching ice-cold lemonade waiting for you. All you need to do is get your entire team across the ocean on these boats. But beware! There are sharks in the water! If so much as one toe of your team member's foot touches the water, you'll be eaten and you must start over!'

The teams run off eager to start. 'How do we move the boats!' someone asks me. 'How do you think?' I respond waiting to see the strategies take shape. I stand back and watch them work together, chuckling quietly at their frustration. 'It's impossible! There's no way,' I hear them say to each other. They try pushing the mats, but quickly realize it won't work. They are ready to give up until one leader emerges with a brilliant idea.

The aha! moment happens before my eyes, and I relish it. 'Open the mats! Quick! Now everyone stand on one!' I see them darting glances at the other team to see if they are being copied.

Quickly they stand on one mat and pass the second one over head, dropping it on the ground infront of them. They jump on to the second mat, careful not to touch the water, and repeat the process. They make it halfway across the gym before the other teams takes notice and copies.

The first team reaches the lemonade stand and roars with excitement, proud of their accomplishment. The second team follows, slightly less enthusiastic.

'Can we play dodgeball now' they ask.

My answer, still no, as I reach for the soccer ball.

Proud

2011-01-04T23:38:00.003-05:00

I looked over to see that Mieka had made an impressive tower, stacking block after block, 6, 7, 8 high. I watched her, busily working away, placing each block on top of the next. How proud I was of her, having discovered this new skill.

At home, I opened Joel's agenda to see a note from his teacher.

« Joel était tellement fier de découvrir la note dans sa boîte à dîner ! »

A little note I had written him on a post-it, wishing him a great day. Fier. Happy. How proud he was to see that note. How happy it must have made him.

Today is the day

2011-01-02T06:00:00.000-05:00

It's January 2nd, party time is over. I've had a nice long weight loss hiatus. What started out as two weeks off because of being sick, has turned into a whole month off! The past two weeks I have given myself permission to take a break from healthy eating. I haven't been THAT bad, but it's time to refocus.

I want to get back on the wagon. I want to see the pounds drop and feel good in my skin again. So I am recommitting to my plan. Today I will:

-drink 8 glasses of water
-eat 5 servings of fruits and vegetables
-put on my pedometer
-go to the gym
-look in the mirror and remind myself that I'm beautiful.

Hold me to it my friends!

Soup's on!

2011-01-01T20:07:00.001-05:00

This weekend I made a Leek and Potato soup, and it was a hit! Both Joel and Mieka gobbled it up. Here's the recipe, and some evidence!

(I highly recommend this soup, but it calls for a cup of butter, way too much! I cut it to 1/2 cup, and used half & half cream. I also threw in some Epicure vegetable seasoning. Next time I think I'll add some cubbed up ham as well.)

2010 a year in review

2010-12-30T19:26:00.006-05:00

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. The last day of 2010. I have to dig deep into my memories to try to remember where it all went. I'm not one for making new years resolutions, so instead I want to try setting some monthly goals for myself - measurable ones - and see where that takes me.

Last January - this month is easy to remember, since it's my birthday month. I ate a lot of cupcakes. This was also a month where I recommitted to finding myself again. I joined the gym, and worked on getting to that place in my mind I need to get to in order to lose weight.

This January, I find myself in a very similar place - still working to lose weight, and to trying to improve myself. One thing I need to do that I have been putting off for far too long is having my eyes checked. So that's my goal for this month. I also need to refocus my energy on weight loss, and get back on that wagon!

Last February - I spent a perfect day with my family. Part of the day involved playing outside with the kids and embracing winter. Brrr. This isn't something I'm really keen on doing, but I do want to go skating with Joel.

This February my goal will be to buy a pair of skates and take Joel skating. Maybe we'll try the Canal.

Last March - I started to see a bit of a change in my writing style this month. I wrote about my kitchen table, about the Linty Blankie.

This March - I really feel like my writing has come a long way, so I'm going to try blogging every day this month.

Last April - I discovered Bokeh and started to take play around with photos on my point and shoot. I love taking good photos especially of my kids!

This April - I'm going to take a photo a day! Hopefully I'll get some more practice and end up with some shots worth framing for my photo wall!

Last May - I took part in a wedding dress tour, and really enjoyed showing off my wedding photos again. I'm tempted to challenge myself to fit into my wedding dress by the end of May 2011, but that might be too much pressure. I also wrote about what being a mother means to me.

This May - I'd love to spend more time with my mom, just the two of us. We don't often get the chance to do this, so I'm going to make it a priority. Heh, maybe I'll convince her to put on her wedding dress if I end up fitting in mine, would make a good photo opp, no?

Last June we celebrated Mieka's 1st birthday. That's one milestone I have clear memories of! Her pink and orange polka dot dress, the cupcakes and bouncy castle! I also challenged myself to go to the gym every day for 30 days. I didn't quite finish the challenge, but made it to day 25.

This June - I'm going to do it - the gym 30 times in 30 days!

Last July we rented a cottage with friends for a week. It was a lot of fun, and I'd love to make it a yearly tradition. I also blogged out loud - read a post up on a stage in front of a room full of strangers. This was one of the most empowering experiences I've had.

This July - another cottage vacation may just be in order! I'd also love to take the kids camping. If I have the opportunity to do it, I will be blogging out loud again!

Last August I was feeling overwhelmed with emotion at the thought of Joel starting full day kindergarten. Now he's half way into the year! We had a wonderful weekend getaway at the Granby Zoo and would love to go back. I also joined Losing it Ottawa, and have had amazing success with a great community of women right by my side.

This August? Maybe we'll go back to the zoo. I'm hesitant to place any weight loss time frame on myself. It would be nice to say I'd lost 50 lbs by the 1 year mark of having joined Losing it, but I think the pressure might just end up sabotaging my success.

Last September I started teaching again. It felt great to be back at work, doing what I love. It only took a few days of supply teaching before I felt totally comfortable again. I had an amazing opportunity to be part of the Mark's Over, and still continue to shop there! Being made over made me feel so good about myself, and it's a feeling I would like to recreate more often. There's something about taking the time to put on makeup, fix your hair, and wear something other than jeans or yoga pants that really lifts the spirits.

This September, as much as it would be great to have a regular teaching job, I am content to supply teach a while longer. My goal for this month? To put more effort into ME - more positive thinking about myself, less worrying what others think. I can do it.

Last October I took some lovely photos of the fall leaves. We took lots of walks outside to look at the fall colours, which I really enjoyed.

My goal for October - to spend more time outside with the kids! Fall is my favourite season, I need to be better about enjoying it more!

Last November we visited my cousins in Toronto. It was a wonderful trip. I also wrote about moments of joy - those little moments in your life that make you stop and appreciate everything you have.

This November - To find more moments of joy in my life - maybe one every day.

Last December - well this month was kind of a blur. I spent most of it sick, and lost my focus on weight loss, and on blogging. It's hard to say what next December will bring...One thing that I didn't have the energy for was the 25 days of Christmas activity that I did last year. That will be my goal for next December.

Looking back on the year, I realize just how lucky I am. I have a beautiful family: a son and a daughter - what some call a millionaire's family. I am married to a loving, nurturing, hard working man whom I love dearly. My parents are extraordinarily helpful and loving, giving so much of themselves for my family. I feel fortunate to be teaching. It's a career that brings me so much happiness, I enjoy it immensely! I am surrounded by friends, genuine friends, who care about me and love me regardless of my insecurities and craziness. I have found a community of like-minded people in the blogging world that I enjoy spending time with and getting to know better. I am healthy, and am working on improving myself inside and out.

What more could I ask for?

For 2011, I wish you all happiness, health and many, many moments of joy.

A happy Christmas Day

2010-12-25T23:52:00.000-05:00

From the moment I was woken up at 6:20 this morning by eager little feet running down the hallway, to the time I finally put my own feet up and exhaled, this day has been a happy one.

Hours of shopping, planning, and wrapping were quickly undone in a matter of minutes. But I loved watching it happen. Wrapping paper scrunched up in balls littered the floor, stockings were emptied, piles of toy were made and spread their way from one end of the room to the other. Cleaning it all up made me smile.

I sat back with my coffee and watched them. Joel searching under the tree for his name on the presents, arguing that the cursive 'J' that Santa had delicately written at the start of his name was not actually a J at all. Watching him drive the toy bus that he had asked Santa for across the carpet. Mieka playing happily with her soup pot and vegetables, and collecting foil covered chocolate balls and moving them from one pile on the floor to another. Mitch assembling toys like one of Santa's elves.

I left them in the living room watching a Christmas movie to start making breakfast. Pillsubury Crescent rolls, bacon and eggs, coffee and juice. Fresh strawberries and raspberries. We sat together and ate happily, albeit quickly!

These are our Christmas memories, our family traditions, happening before my eyes. I took several moments today to stop and enjoy them - these moments with my children - and to realize just how lucky I am.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas

2010-12-24T22:34:00.008-05:00

I can't believe Christmas is here already! I hope you all have a wonderful time with family and friends, and remember to stop and enjoy all those moments of joy!

Sleep over

2010-12-19T22:16:00.003-05:00

We were about to leave my parents' house after dinner. I was in the bathroom, and was startled by the mad pounding on the door. "Mommy Mommy! Let me in!" The sense of urgency could not be ignored, either this child was going to pee his pants or beat down the door.

I hurried and opened the door. He did not have to pee.

"I want to sleep over at Mamie and Papi's!"

He had come up with this brilliant idea all on his own. But he had been sick the night before, up often with a persistent cough that I did not want to inflict on my parents.

"Oh honey, I don't think that's such a good idea tonight." He was not happy with that answer.

"But whyyyyyyy," he responded. I tried to explain that he had been sick, we didn't have his pajamas, or his linty blanket and teddy. That explanation seemed to be tolerable.

"I have a better idea," I told him, picking him up into my arms. "Why don't you come have a sleep over at my house tonight?" He smiled and giggled, pleased with the suggestion.

When we got home, he insisted he wanted to sleep in my bed. "I'm having a sleep over in your bed Mommy!" He kissed me good night, smiling.

And so I let him crawl in and curl up on my side. His head resting on my pillow, about to drift off to sleep. In the morning I'll wake up next to him, happy to see his face close to mine, on his sleepover.

The smart phone debate

2010-12-15T22:32:00.002-05:00

I'm getting a Smart Phone for Christmas, and I'm so excited. I've wanted one for a while now but it just wasn't in the budget. I've had a crappy little flip pay-as-you-go phone for the past 3 years and I'm ready to upgrade. I can't wait to have a new phone and be connected - being able to check my email, Facebook and Twitter when I'm on the go is such a perk!

But here's the thing, I just don't know which phone is the right one for me. I've decided that I'm not a Blackberry girl, so really it's between the iPhone or an Android. And I can't decide. I think I prefer typing on a touch screen over a key pad, but again, not so sure!

Mitch has been doing a lot of research online for me, and says the HTC Desire is a great phone that I would be happy with, but I just don't know! If I go with Android, will I regret not getting an iPhone? What does the iPhone have that the 'droid doesn't? Can I get everything I really want from the Desire?

What kind of phone do you have, and are you happy with it? Please help me decide!

Family traditions in the making

2010-12-15T06:27:00.000-05:00

There are some moments in motherhood that make it all worthwhile. I've written about those moments of joy before, and I think it's important to savour them when they happen. Like this one, both my kids wearing Santa hats, enthusiastically hanging ornaments on the tree. A family tradition in the making.

Sick of the sick

2010-12-14T21:13:00.002-05:00

Twelve days ago I woke up with a scratchy throat. I took some Tylenol and went to work. By noon I could definitely tell that a pretty nasty bug had invaded my body. Chills, fever, body aches, sore throat, congestion, and a pounding headache ravaged their way from head to toe for the next three days. I went to the doctor and got some antibiotics, with no diagnosis. I thought I'd be feeling better after a day or two, but here I am 12 days later STILL feeling sick. I'm still taking the antibiotics, and still taking a decongestant every day. My ears pop every time I swallow and my head feels like it's underwater. I am so sick of being sick. Is it possible that I have some kind of antibiotic resistant mutant bug?

Calling in sick

2010-12-05T10:30:00.002-05:00

I'm sick. So sick. More sick than I have been in as long as I can remember. I can't breathe through my nose, my throat feels like razor blades every time I swallow, the entire right side of my head feels like it's under water. I have chills, and fever, and body aches. There is this weird green gunk coming out of my eyes. I feel as bad as it sounds.

And tomorrow I have to work.

Now any normal person wouldn't think twice about calling in sick, right? This definitely sounds like a legitimate reason not to go in. The risk of infecting others is high, not to mention productivity would pretty much suck.

But I'm the supply teacher. Tomorrow I'm replacing someone who needs to be away for whatever reason. I feel like a big faker calling in sick, but I'm not! I swear! I have this fear that the principal will think I'm lying to get out of teaching a certain class, or maybe for a better offer, and risk never getting called back there.

So I picked up the phone, called the VP, and made sure to sound as stuffed up as possible (it wasn't hard). I hope it was believable, because it wasn't a lie.

Why is it so hard to call in sick?

Substitute happiness

2010-12-03T19:02:00.001-05:00

I walk through the front doors of the building, and my thoughts, worries and anxieties don't follow me in. They stay outside in the parking lot, in the cold. I walk down the hallway and am greeted by warm smiles and exuberant waves from some of the students I have taught.

In the office, I sign in for the day and chat briefly with the secretary, 'have a great day!' she tells me as she hands me the classroom keys.

I open the door to the classroom, and for a brief moment I pretend that it's my classroom with my name on the door. I hang up my coat, and look for the substitute teacher notes on the desk. I scan over the day plan and get organized for the kids to come in.

The blackboard is clean and smooth, nothing but the date is written at the top. I choose a piece of chalk, a large white piece, and hold it between my fingers. Slowly and carefully I write my name, relishing the feel of the chalk moving smoothly across the cold blackboard. I stand back for a better perspective. It's crooked. I erase it and start again, dotting the 'i' with gusto.

The bell rings, and the commotion of children fills the air. I greet them by the door as they hang their coats and bags with no sense of urgency. 'Vite vite!' I urge them, 'depechez-vous!' Slowly they find their seats, a hesitant start to the day of work ahead of them. I stand at the front of the class, smiling, eager to start the day of work ahead of me.

'Bonjour mes amies.' And we begin.

25 days of Christmas - condensed version

2010-12-02T22:29:00.002-05:00

You might remember the 25 days of Christmas advent calendar I did with Joel last year? I haven't actually been organized enough this year to get the envelopes put together. But, I do want to start doing some Christmas activities. So I've pulled out last year's list, and will try to do them all with the kids!

1. Do a Christmas craft together
2. Cut out paper snowflakes to decorate the windows.
3. Write and mail a letter to Santa
4. Listen to Holiday music and dance dance dance!
5. Visit GlidingLara and play ‘pin the face on the snowman’
6. Buy a toy and bring it to Toy Mountain.
7. Make a paper chain for the tree
8. Read Christmas stories at bedtime.
9. Write and mail our Christmas cards
10. Sing Christmas songs. Enjoy a special chocolate treat
11. Visit Mamie & Papi for the first night of Hanukkah
12. Pick up Christmas tree
13. Put up tree & attend gingerbread making workshop
14. Take a drive to look at the Christmas lights
15. Pick out presents for teachers and bake Christmas cookies
16. Wrap presents for teachers
17. ~~Go visit Santa at the mall and have a photo taken~~
18. Make hot chocolate with marshmallows
19. Bake another batch of Christmas cookies to share with neighbours
20. Play in the snow!
21. Watch some Christmas movies together as a family. Make popcorn!
22. Bake and decorate Christmas cupcakes
23. Do a Christmas craft
24. Unwrap one present after dinner (mommy and daddy get to pick which one)
25. It’s Christmas Day. Remember you have a family who loves you. And that’s the most important gift of all.

Cousins twice removed

2010-11-30T21:07:00.009-05:00

This weekend we drove to Toronto to visit my aunt. I call her my aunt, but really she's not. She's my mother's cousin, twice removed, yet deserving of a much greater title. So many of my childhood memories were created in her home. Holidays. Birthdays. Parties.

Her house was always bustling, children running, phones ringing, people knocking at the door. Another unexpected guest joins the party, always welcome. A real menagerie of family, friends, neighbours and pets. Laughter. Warmth. Family.

I know she wouldn't have had it any other way.

The cousins would run down to the basement, immersed into a world of creativity: playing games, chasing cats, building forts, making movies. Above us the adults talked, reminiscing about their own childhoods in a place far away, comparing notes on who was doing what. The men in the other room, eyes transfixed on the 'game', oblivious to the clamour around them. Now the children have all grown up and moved away, having children of their own. My aunt and my uncle (who's not) followed them to Toronto, to be closer to their grandchildren. Their home is physically further from ours, but it's just as close.

We arrived at dinner time, greeted warmly with open arms. We weren't alone for long - more children arrived. The next generation of cousins. How many times removed, I'm not even sure. The hum of conversation filled the room, reminiscing about our childhoods, and comparing how our children had grown since the last time we met. Food was passed from one end of the table to another.

Joel greeted his cousin with a hug. So many months had passed since they'd seen each other, but that didn't seem to matter. They ran to the basement holding hands, just as I did so many years ago, and immersed themselves into a world of imagination and creativity. They chased the cat. They created art. They had quiet and secret conversations, far from the listening ears of grownups. Perhaps their bond was inherited.

I watched as their childhood memories unfolded, much like the ones I made. The same laughter, warmth, and family. But in a different house, in a different city. My family, so distantly related, yet with a connection that's meant to be passed on.

Change

2010-11-17T08:22:00.003-05:00

Change is coming. I can feel it, like the wind blowing by, sweeping me into its arms. Change is around the corner, and I'm ready for it, I'm embracing it. Like the ground soaking in the cool rain, I'm welcoming it.

Let the change be me.

If you knew me

2010-11-15T14:27:00.005-05:00

If you knew me, you would see kindness, and love. So so much love. If you knew me, you'd see forgiveness, and loyalty. If you knew me, you would see how much I want to please you, to make you happy. You'd see how hard I try. You might ask me why I try so hard, if you knew me. And I might tell you, it's just who I am.

If you knew me, we would talk. We would talk about our lives, about our loves, about our fears. If you knew me, we would laugh. We would laugh until our bellies ached and tears ran down our cheeks.

If you knew me, you would see me walk into a room, craving attention, head held high and confidant. You would see me acting silly, and taking risks. You would see someone that people connect with. You would share your story as I shared mine, like an open book, if you knew me.

If you knew me you would see radiance, happiness, and positivity. You see, we would be friends. Good friends. Just like the meeting leader, the personal trainer, the supervisor, the fellow tweeter.

But if you really knew me, you'd also see what's inside: a stomach swirling, fueled by doubt and insecurity. Never being good enough. Always trying to improve. A mind that races constantly, filled with anxiety, filled with fret. The constant agonizing over the right thing to say, the right question to ask, the right time to walk away.

If you really knew me, then you'd see the outside and in. And if you really knew me, you'd love them both.

Moments of joy

2010-11-13T19:30:00.002-05:00

But they bring you so much joy - a convenient answer given when rough days turn into rough nights and patience runs thin. Moments of joy; they are fleeting and seem few and far between. When they do come your way, grab them, hold on to them tightly and tuck them into a safe place. Remember them. Because when you're at your wits end and think you have nothing left to give, you'll need them.

Tonight, Joel asked if he could take a bath with his sister. It's a rare event, the independent boy doesn't want anyone interfering in his routines, especially not his sister. He sat behind her, holding the red soap-filled sponge in his hand. Slowly, and gently he washed his sister's back, her shoulders and her arms. He filled the little boat with water and rinsed her. She played with the washcloth, oblivious to what was going on behind her. Next he put some soap on her head and washed her hair. He lathered it and spiked it into a mohawk on top of her head. She let him. She never complained, relishing his attention.

I sat on the bed and watched them, savouring every second. I latched on to that moment and ingrained it deeply to memory, tucking it right text to a perfect day.

Getting in the zone with Eko Bear toys

2010-11-09T14:17:00.004-05:00

**** This contest is now closed ****

Update: The WINNER IS @NickiLynnM! Congrats!!

Joel loves to play by himself. He has a great imagination and will entertain himself for a long time. He gets annoyed, just like most older siblings, when Mieka interferes in his play. If she even comes near him when he's in the "zone" he freaks out and yells at her to get away (there's a running joke in our house about never disrupting Joel while he's in the "zone"!)

With over 2 years separating them, there aren't too many toys that appeal to them both. Joel loves his Playmobile and Hot Wheels. Mieka loves the Little People and Duplo blocks.

When I received a box of Plan Toys Creative Blocks from Eko Bear Eco Friendly Toys, to review for free, I really wasn't sure who it would appeal to more.

In a sort of experiment, I waited until they were both busy, distracted by other things, before I opened the box and emptied its contents in the middle of the living room floor. I waited to see what would happen.

Joel got to them first and wanted to know if they were for him. I told him he had to share them with Mieka. He sat down next to the pile and started to stack piece on top of piece. He really liked the stair shaped pieces.

It didn't take long for Mieka to become interested in, not so much the new toy, but the fact that her brother was building something. She sat down next to him and pulled the pieces closer into a pile in front of her.

For 5 minutes of sheer bliss I watched my two children play happily - together. Not just side by side, but actually working together to stack pieces and build something. This toy is like magic.

What I also love is that all the pieces fit back in the box that they came in. Perfect. Now I don't have to buy another container to hold them, in my attempts to organize the chaos of toys in our house! The box fits neatly on the shelf next to the books.

Another bonus? Guess who else gets in the "zone" playing with blocks - my husband the engineer. Sometimes it seems he loves the kids' toys as much as they do!

I can't promise that these toys will give you a few minutes of uninterrupted time while your kids are in the "zone", but I do promise that they'll spark your child's imagination! You can find them on the Eko Bear website for $31.95.

Win it! You can win your own set of Creative Blocks from Eko-Bear. To enter, visit Eko-Bear and tell me what else catches your eye! I have already found at least 3 products that are on my Christmas list.

For Extra Entries:

Subscribe to Eko Bear's newsletter
‘Like’ Eko Bear on Facebook
Blog about this giveaway, *with a link back to this post* (for 5 extra entries)
Follow me @Somekindofmom AND @EkoBearToys on Twitter
Tweet "Win Creative Blocks from @somekindofmom thanks to @EkoBearToys! http://tinyurl.com/26vewck
Be sure to let me know what you did in the comments so I can count all those extra entries!

Contest closes on Friday November 12th, 2010.

******

Eko Bear is a Canadian online store of organic and eco-friendly toys based in Ottawa, Ontario. They offer a wide assortment of environmentally friendly toys: from biodegradable toys, toys made from recycled materials, to toys made with sustainability in mind. The selection is impressive with 10 brands and items from as little as $15 to choose from! You can shop by age or even make a wish list. With Christmas coming up, this is a great place to shop for the little ones in your lives!

I've been here before

2010-11-06T18:42:00.007-05:00

I walked into my old elementary school and I was flooded by memories so vivid it was almost like reliving them again.

I opened the door to the main office, to sign in for the day. I saw myself sitting on a chair by the window, watching the rain as I waited for my mom to pick me up. To my left was an office with a small bed - I lay there once after tripping on a skipping rope at recess and hitting my forehead on the concrete. The secretary iced my wound as I cried.

In the gym I asked my class to sit around the painted black circle in the middle of the floor. It was the same black circle where I sat as a Brownie, waiting to receive my badges from Snowy Owl while sitting on my sit upon.

I walked past the Exercise Room where the After Four kids gather. The same Exercise Room where I watched Hal Johnson and Joanne McLeod in Body Breaks videos. The same Exercise Room where I performed a choreographed routine to Cyndi Lauper's 'Girls just want to have fun.'

In the library, I walked along the rows of books and down the steps. They were the same steps we stood next to every year for our class photos. I saw myself grinning in my strawberry shortcake t-shirt under maroon overalls, while the photographer snapped my photo.

I poked my head into the kindergarten room - the same room where I peed my pants during snack because I was too shy to ask to use the bathroom. The same room where my mom helped me change my wet clothes in a storage closet before going back to work.

I stood in front of my classroom door while the students got ready to leave. I helped them do up their zippers and put on their heavy backpacks, as I did so many times before. As I walked them down the hall toward the buses I thought of my own son and they suddenly looked different to me. They weren't just my students. That little boy was someone's baby. His mom held him, rocked him and stayed up all night with him when he was sick. I noticed that his pants were slightly too short, and I wondered if she felt sad, too, every time another pair of outgrown pants was added to the rubbermaid bin.

How long it's been since I was that child in that hallway fumbling with my zippers. How long it's been since I was that student who's pants were too short. How long it's been since I - student, mother, teacher - have been to this familiar place.

Practice makes permanent

2010-11-01T21:12:00.008-05:00

There's a buzz in the air about this amazing conference called Blissdom, that I didn't attend unfortunately, but am benefiting no less from all the tweets and posts about it.

People are talking about finding their voice as a blogger, creating great content by being authentic. That left me wondering quite a bit about my own voice on this blog, and being mindful about why I am writing and who am I writing for.

I need to write. I have always been a writer. I was that student who could write an essay the night before it was due and still get an A. Since I haven't been in a career for quite some time where writing is a skill I use daily (let's be honest, grocery lists and notes for the babysitter don't cut it for me), this blog is the one space where I can really practice my craft. And right now that's just what I'm doing, practicing so I don't forget how to do it. Trying different styles, using prose, photos, adding sarcasm (ok, I'm not that funny) allow me to practice so eventually I will find something that sticks. A permanent voice.

I write for my kids. I want to capture memories, stories and events for them. Both of my parents, and grandparents had amazing stories to tell about the war, their childhoods and growing up in European countries. The stories leave me wanting more. I felt this longing to be able to step back in time for just a moment to experience life the way they did. My grandparents are no longer here to tell me those stories or fulfill my curiosity. I won't do them justice by retelling fragmented versions. If only I could have written them down when I had the chance.

So tell me, what do you like about my writing? Do I have a voice of my own, or do I need more practice?

Halloween 2010

2010-11-01T14:48:00.011-05:00

First you carve a pumpkin.

Then you mimic the silly pumpkin face.

Next you put on your costume, and say cheese for the camera.

And then you grab your best buddy and make zombie faces!

Now you're ready for trick'or'treating.

Happy Birthday honey!

2010-10-29T06:00:00.001-05:00

Today is my dear husband's birthday. I don't often give him the attention he deserves on my blog. So today this post is for him.

You are the love of my life.
When things are tough, (they've been tough lately, haven't they?) and work is stressful and the kids are both screaming for our attention, all you need to do is look at me and smile.
And I know that it's all ok, because we're in this together.
There's no one I would rather be in it with than you.

When fuses are short and patience runs out, I know it's just temporary.
The love is still there, and it's deep. It's solid, and strong.

You make me laugh every day, and I know I'll never really grow old with you.
Because when I'm with you, you make me feel like I'm a kid again.

Thank you for being my rock and my pillow.

Happy Birthday to you.

Love you always,

Vicky

Senses

2010-10-28T17:45:00.001-05:00

I leaned on the bumper of the car, it felt cool against my back. The wind blew wisps of hair across my face, tickling my nose. Suddenly a large gust swept a rush of leaves across the driveway and onto the road. They scattered like mice running, desperate to escape from being the cat's supper. The air was warm, and the wind was refreshing. Unusually warm for the end of October, I noted. I put my hand in my pocket and felt for my phone. With the flip of two fingers I opened it to check the time, then dropped it back in its place. Then I heard it, the shrill sound of the brakes squealing as it rounded the corner. It slowed in front of the house as I stood from my seat. The bright yellow bus stopped and the door opened. I could see his head bobbing as he walked down the stairs. He crossed the street and ran into my arms, smiling. He was happy to be home. I squeezed his hand tightly, I was happy too.

Big boys are four!

2010-10-27T06:40:00.001-05:00

My baby boy is four years old. He's a big boy now! I still call him my baby, as long as he'll let me.

He goes to school. On the bus!
He's making new friends, all on his own.
He wants to make his own choices - what to wear, what to eat, when to go to bed.
He wants to do grown up things - to get the mail, to pay the cashier, to pump the gas, to vote!
He says he wants to be an engineer just like daddy. He says he wants to marry me and live in our house.

I fold his clothes, making a pile of things he has just outgrown. His legs are long. His cheeks have lost their babyness.

I watch him play and think about the kind of man he'll grow to be.

And I'll hold him in my arms for as long as he'll let me.

Happy Birthday Joel!

Four

2010-10-26T06:23:00.001-05:00

Four little letters. Four little numbers. So much can be said with four.

One - I held you in my arms.
Two - You took my hand.
Three - By my side you stayed close.
Four - You take a step or two away.

Mine.
Near.
Grow.
Love.

Joel.

Words

2010-10-25T11:22:00.003-05:00

There are words inside me that need to be said.
But the wrong ones come out, in the wrong way.
Knotted and tangled they fill up the page, the air, the space around me.
They wrap themselves around others, weaving in and out.
They are not the right words, not said the right way.
They are not said at the right time. But they are felt inside.
They are felt with passion, with anger, with hurt. They are felt with anxiety.
They are embedded with emotion. They feel too much.
Like a pot boiling over, the lid lifts and dances as they escape, unable to hold them in.
The words are no longer eating their way through my head, flooding my senses.
Now they are in the heads of others and there's no putting them back in.
There's no undoing the damage done.
The pot settles and the lid rests firmly in place.
But underneath there is a storm simmering.

Sponge

2010-10-17T11:36:00.000-05:00

Mieka is a little sponge, absorbing everything around her. Sometimes it's hard to believe she's only 16 months old.

I just watched her sitting in the hallway saying 'boots boots boots' while trying to put her brother's rain boots on her feet. I didn't know she knew that word! Every day new words come pouring out of her mouth - today we put together a puzzle and she said 'turtle'. Where does she hear these things? How does she know so much?

Spectacular fall

2010-10-16T22:02:00.008-05:00

I cannot get over how spectacular the fall colours are this year. Today we went to Mer Bleu and I got some beautiful pictures with my Canon Rebel. Let me know what you think!

Colouring with the kids

2010-10-16T17:44:00.002-05:00

There's nothing that melts a mom's heart than seeing her husband colouring at the kitchen table with his children.

As I was putting away the dinner dishes, I over heard Mitch trying to get Mieka to identify items he had drawn with crayons.

He drew a kitty, she pointed to it and said 'kitty!' He drew a bunny (which looked more like a potato with ears) and she said 'bunny!' He drew a blob with a bunch of lines all over it, and Mieka said nothing.

'What is that' I asked him, skeptically eying the blob, trying to decipher what it was. 'It's a pumpkin!' he told me, as if I would have any doubt in his sketching abilities. 'It is NOT!' I said, looking to one-up him.

I grabbed the crayon, and drew a beautiful pumpkin, complete with a stem, triangle eyes and a zig zagged crooked mouth.

'What's that Mieka?' I asked her, with a sneering smile toward him.

'Pumpkin!' she exclaimed.

Conversations with Joel

2010-10-13T06:00:00.000-05:00

While reading bedtime stories. I am amazed at how his brain makes leaps!

Joel: "Mommy, what's smaller than 2?"
Me: "1"
Joel: "And what's smaller than 1?"
Me: "What do you think?"
Joel: "Zero. And is minus one smaller than zero?"
Me: Stunned silence. "uhhhh, yes."
Joel: "So then minus two is smaller than minus one?"
Me: "Yup. It definitely is."

In the car, on the way to Mamie & Papi's.

Joel: Reading his school agenda, talking to himself "T is for choochoo-train, U is for Majorette, V is for violin..."
Me: "Joel did you just say Majorette?"
Joel: "Yes, there's a picture here of a Majorette."
Me: Shocked to hear him use such an obscure word. "Where did you hear that word?"
Joel: "I know that word because I saw one in a parade one time, when I was a little boy."
(It was actually U is for Uniform, in case you were wondering).

Tiny curls

2010-10-12T06:00:00.003-05:00

You smell so sweet, like lavender.
Your blond hair damp from the bath.
Tiny curls bouncing at the nape of your neck.
I wrap one around my fingers, curling it just so.
It bounces back toward your head.

Will you keep those tiny curls as your hair grows?
Will they disappear forever, dancing to the ground after your first haircut?

I can picture you, a child of 4 or 5, a wild mane trailing behind as I chase you across the yard. I scoop you up into my arms and bury my face into those tiny curls.

When you grow up will you straighten them, wishing your hair wasn't curly, just like I do?

Who needs toys

2010-10-11T11:20:00.001-05:00

Joel, you have a million toys around the house. Buckets of cars and trucks, a parking garage, boxes of lego, musical instruments, train tracks, puzzles, games, stuffed animals, balls galore. But really, who needs all those toys when you can entertain yourself for an hour with a blanket and an empty Tim Horton's card. You piled the blanket in the hallway, and drove the card up and down the folds and wrinkles, pretending they were hills and winding roads.

All things October

2010-10-10T18:58:00.009-05:00

Autumn is my favourite season. I love everything about it. The golden hue when the sun shines through the trees, the crunching sound of the leaves under my feet, the fresh air. I look forward to October for picking apples, Thanksgiving dinners with family and friends, cinnamon & nutmeg, walks through Gatineau park, and Joel & Mitch's birthdays.

This year the leaves are just stunning. I cannot remember seeing the leaves in such vibrant colours in a very long time. Blood red, fiery orange, shimmering yellow, the colours dance through the trees.

It is the perfect time of year to take photos.

So you think you want to teach JK huh?

2010-10-01T18:27:00.002-05:00

I've had this dream of being a kindergarten teacher for a long time. A fantasy rather. Giving stickers out to my kids when they succeed. Having them gather around me on the learning carpet wide eyed and eager to learn about the weather, the seasons, and the holidays. I would great them at the door with a smile each morning. I'd save their sweet letters, we'd make beautiful artwork together and hang it all over the walls.

Reality check.

This is how a day in kindergarten really goes.

Two crying children spent over an hour saying 'I want mommy'
One child threw up all over himself at the gate.
Three boys got into a squabble over who-only-knows-what.
One of the boys' mothers came to talk to me about it at the end of the day because her son said someone hit him. I didn't see what happened but the mom wanted details.
A little girl asked me FIVE MILLION TIMES what my name was. After the 8th time I realized that she wasn't really forgetting.
I tried to hear one child's voice over 22 others.
I zipped up and unzipped 40 coats.
I helped put on 16 pairs of shoes.
I opened 12 snack containers and 6 yogurt cups.
I put away two dozen books. Picked up 50 pieces of lego, filled 3 buckets with kitchen supplies, put away crayons, markers and glue sticks.
I swept the floor 4 times.
I put my feet up for 5 minutes.

Teaching kindergarten felt a lot like being at home. The only difference was the number of kids. I'll have to give this whole kindergarten thing some more thought. My bubble has been official burst!

My little person

2010-09-27T11:07:00.003-05:00

At 8:45am you unraveled the toilet paper when I wasn't looking. Five minutes later I found you sitting on top of the cat. I went to get a coffee and found you shaking your bottle upside down all over the carpet. Next you found a stack of note paper on the table, each sheet carefully crumpled up into a ball and tossed into the toy bin.

It's 9:30am, we're watching a show. You bring me a diaper, say 'bum bum' and lay down on the floor, asking to be changed.

At 11:00am you come up to my lap and say 'nouilles nouilles' (noodles en Francais). We go into the kitchen to start making lunch. While I stir the pasta on the stove, you empty the cupboards and throw down every alphabet letter from the fridge. You insist on feeding yourself, like you always do. You inform me when you were finished, twisting your hands signing 'all done'. Bits of broccoli all through your hair, the front of your shirt soaked with water from your sippy cup.

After lunch you walk over to me by the couch and yell 'up! up!' You sit down next to me, but not for long. You are a monkey and you want to climb higher! Careful, I warn you, but I'm too late. You fall over the side of the couch and bang your head on the carpet. I lift you in my arms, holding you close, brushing off the tears. And through the sobs you say 'do do, do do'.

It's 12:00pm now, up the stairs we go, time for a nap, but not before we stop to pick up the blanket you dropped. 'Bankie! bankie!' you yell as I bend down to grab it. On our way to your room, I hold you in my arms and sing the do do song we always sing before it's time to sleep. I put you in your crib, you roll into the side with your blanket covering your face.

You are becoming your own little person in so many ways. I wonder what else you'll get into when you wake.

My Mark's Over

2010-09-15T19:34:00.007-05:00

Thank you twitterverse for sending me on the most amazing make-over ever! A handful of Ottawa bloggers received invitations from High Road Communications to attend this Mark's Over event.

You may have noticed the new orange and grey colours of newly re-branded Mark's store (formerly known as Mark's Work Warehouse)? That's only the beginning. They have introduced some totally innovative products like Never Iron Shirts (you can leave them in the dryer ALL day long and they won't wrinkle), Hayes Perfect Fit underwear that leaves no panty lines, and T-Max insulated jackets and vests. I got to try on a hoodie with T-Max insulation, inside a deep cold simulator (essentially a walk in freezer that goes to -40 below!) The only parts of me that stayed warm were under the hoodie!

They have also introduced in-home shopping parties. As someone who loves home parties, I think this is a genius idea. I may just host one.

So back to the make-over. Today I spent the afternoon at Mark's shopping with my own personal stylist, having my hair and make up done, and then getting to show it all off in a photoshoot, all thanks to the wonderful people at the Mark's and High Road.

If you haven't yet been to a new Mark's store you need to go. And before you go, did you think it was a store just for men working in trades (hence the name) like I did? I admit I'd been in a few times with my husband and completely ignored the women's section, thinking it only had nursing scrubs or very casual clothing. Was I ever wrong.

Does this look like scrubs to you?

The dress I'm wearing has a stretchy skirt bottom, and a flirty, ruffly top. After a year of wearing yoga pants and jeans, it felt amazing to be dressed up! Chris, the stylist added the necklace and bracelet, and picked out my shoes and handbag. It felt a bit like I was on What not to Wear. I also got some of their Perfect Fit underwear seamless undies, and it really is true. No panty lines! No wedgy!

I added a sweater to tone the dress down a bit. How does this look, sweater on for teaching, sweater off for a night out on the town (um, in my dreams?)

After we picked out my outfit, I got my hair styled and make up done, then it was on to a photo shoot! I laughed, I jumped, I smiled, I posed. It was an amazing ego boost and I so needed it.

Wasn't this the most genius marketing campaign ever? Someone definitely did their homework on this one.

Thanks Mark's!

Mieka 15 months old

2010-09-13T07:36:00.004-05:00

I'm a couple of days late for this update. Mieka is 15 months old!

Walking
She's walking most of the time now, going further and further every day. The other day she walked from the front door right down the hallway to the kitchen without stopping.

Talking
Here are some of her newest words, I'm sure there are more! She's quite the mimic.
Shoes, socks, water, outside, snack, cookie, cake, juice, blanket, button, ball, balloon, moon (referring to the Goodnight Moon book).

Cute stuff
She loves to talk on the phone. I give her my cell phone and she says 'Allloooo' and pretends to have a conversation. She loves saying no, but it sounds more like 'gno'. I'll ask her "Mieka do you want some yogurt?" gno. "do you want a cookie?" gno. "do you want some water?" gno. "Do you want to go do-do?" gno gno gno!

Mommy
Mieka is all about Mommy lately. I can't leave the room without her freaking out and calling my name. I shift positions on the couch and she startles and runs over to me. It's cute. It's tiring. I'm sure when she stops I'll miss it, but it's exhausting for the time being.

Daycare
Today Mieka is at daycare for the first time. We're doing a couple of practice days for the next few weeks until supply teaching starts to pick up. I waited until she was distracted with some toys before making my exit. Let me tell you how much easier it was leaving her at daycare than it was with Joel! I guess things do get easier with your 2nd child in some ways ;)

Feeling three things

2010-09-12T19:50:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling like I'm in this by myself.
You aren't playing on my team.
We aren't communicating.
We aren't happy.

I'm feeling overwhelmed.
You leave me emotionally and physically exhausted.
Every moment is a struggle.
Books don't have all the answers.

I'm feeling lonely.
I can't talk to you about the things we used to do together.
I can't talk about feeling sad that it's not me.
I'm walking on eggshells, holding my breath.

I'm feeling like I want to cry because the sum of these three things is just all too much right now.

Trusting that he can do it

2010-09-09T11:06:00.002-05:00

Today was a big day - Joel took the school bus all by himself. We headed out a few minutes early to wait for the bus, and of course it was late. I wondered if he was going to get cold feet since we had some extra time standing around waiting. But he was just fine! The school bus rounded the corner and he grabbed my hand. I watched him say hi to the bus driver and climb the stairs. He sat in the 2nd seat, looked out the window to me and wave. The bus drove away.

I realized when I got home that I forgot to hug him goodbye.

I have to trust him to figure it out on his own. I have to have faith that he'll manage ok without me there.

Kindergarten day 1 - We made it!

2010-09-02T21:55:00.005-05:00

Today went better than I had expected. In the morning Joel was in a good mood, but told us he wanted to cancel his first day of school. There was some reluctance to eating and getting dressed, but eventually we got out the door. After dropping off Mieka at my parents' we headed over to the school. Joel held my hand as we walked into his classroom. His teacher was there preparing, and showed us where to hang Joel's backpack and put away his things. Then we had to wait back outside for the bell to ring.

We watched the school buses pull in and talked about how he'll be able to take one next week. Then we heard the bell ring, and saw his teacher at the door. "Go on Joel," I urged him. He walked toward the teacher, looking back at me with tears welling up in his eyes. I smiled and waved, and we walked away.

As our car pulled out of the parking lot, I looked back to see him standing next to a few other students, waiting for direction from the teacher on what to do next.

I thought about him all day. At 10:00am I wondered if he was eating his snack, and if he'd used the bathroom. At lunch I wondered if he liked the little note I left in his lunch bag. In the afternoon I wondered if he fell asleep during quiet time. Was he able to communicate with the teacher? Would she speak to him in English if he didn't understand? Would he ask for help if he needed it? Would he be ok?

I arrived early to pick him up, just in time to see him walking out with the teacher, holding on to a rope with 5 other kids. "Mommy!" he shouted when he saw me, dropped the rope and came running for me. The teacher stopped him, and told him he had to wait until she said he could go. He started to cry. Sobbing in my arms. I held him and told him everything was ok, just that his teacher wanted him to be safe.

We stopped at Tim Horton's on our way home for a treat. He sat and ate his tim bits, drank his orange juice, and answered my questions about his day.

I told him I was so proud of him. I told him I missed him so much.

So much

2010-09-01T18:57:00.002-05:00

Joel, this evening you were watching a show when I sat down next to you and asked if you were excited about starting kindergarten tomorrow. "Don't talk to me about that! Don't talk to me about anything!" you told me. You had a rough evening, and I wonder if the big changes that are coming up around the corner are getting to you as much as they are to me.

I went upstairs to iron your new blanket, hand made for 'quiet time' at school. You insisted on helping, and burned your finger. You cried and cried as I held you in my arms. You clung to me tightly, tighter than you've been in my arms in such a long time. I rocked you on the bed, wishing I could take the pain away.

I remember so clearly that first night home from the hospital when I tried all night to get you to nurse. I held you in my arms so closely. I felt so much. Excitement, overwhelming joy, exhaustion, and more love than I knew what to do with.

Tomorrow is your first day of school. And I feel so much. Excitement for you, nervousness, sadness that the past 4 years have gone by far too quickly. And just so much love.

My very first friend

2010-08-31T22:41:00.005-05:00

I remember the day I met her, my very first friend. We were in the first grade. We went to the same school but were in different classes. We were playing outside at recess. I asked her her name and if I could play with her. Julie, she told me. We were instant friends. She lived a few streets away from me, her dad would bike her over to my house. Once she slept over and we stayed up the entire night colouring in a giant colouring book. She had a dollhouse that her dad had built. I loved playing with it. She had a canopy bed. Once I slept over, and we bounced on her bed. The pompom on my sock fell off and I cried. I went to her birthday party. There was real money baked right into her cake. Then she moved to California. I missed her. We wrote each other letters. She moved back a few years later, but we had grown apart. We still saw each other from time to time, the distance between each visit growing further apart. She moved to Vancouver and we lost touch. For over 10 years I wondered where she was or what she was up to. On Facebook she found me! Today we had a visit, the first time in eleven years. I didn't realize how much I had missed her. My very first friend.

An awesome weekend

2010-08-31T22:29:00.002-05:00

This past weekend we took a little trip to the Granby Zoo. We had such an amazing time. I was a little nervous about staying over in a hotel with the kids, since Mieka is such a light sleeper and Joel's bedtime routine can take a while. But I have to say it went much better than I expected!

We left early Saturday morning for the 3 hour drive, but got stuck in some crazy traffic trying to cross the Champlain Bridge in Montreal. (Mitch was unimpressed with the lack of traffic management and incorrect signage!) We got to the zoo at lunch and stayed right until 6:30pm!

I'm in the process of writing a review of the Granby Zoo for the Kids in the Capital blog, so I won't give away too much. But I will say that this zoo was amazing and well worth the drive! We could have spent an entire day at the water park alone!

The weather was perfect. Mieka slept for two hours in the stroller. Joel didn't have a single meltdown or tantrum. He loved the rides at the amusement park, and we had a blast together in the wave pool. I wrapped my arms under his and lifted him into the waves as they crashed forward. We laughed and laughed and laughed.

At night, Mieka woke up a few times but went back to sleep quickly. Joel slept through the night. We had a great breakfast in the hotel, and then were on our way back home.

It really was a perfect day, and made me appreciate my family so very much. I love my kids. I love my husband. I love the way we are growing our little family together. I'm happy.